bye for now

well, i said one last post.  so here it is.  first of all, i'm starting to really enjoy the grateful dead.  i don't know if that means i'm maturing or regressing or just learning.  i also don't care.

i learned a long time ago not to try to cater to other people's expectations of me, because i would always fall short, and ultimately disappoint both of us.  instead, i try to be myself no matter how much it makes me squirm.  i wish i could be more bland, more palatable, more like other people, but i simply do not know what it is to fade into the woodwork.  maybe this is a result of my upbringing, my family history...  i don't know.  i've always been damned proud of where i come from, who i come from, and how i got to be here, one of the results of a fascinating equation.  i taught myself to keep my head high because the alternative was not what i wanted, and i realized that i was the one forcing it upon myself.  part of learning to be comfortable with myself was getting past hating myself.  i tried all different thngs, put myself in various situations that were less than healthy on many levels, if not all of them.  and here i stand today, less confused, more steady.  clear-headed, still not sleeping  (i wonder if that will ever change, or if i'll learn to better adapt my life to the strange hours my body prefers to sleep), proud of who i am and confident of who i can and will be.

i kept waiting for other people to give me a chance, and realized i was begging it from everyone but me.

mull that, or not, as you wish.  i hope you have a wonderful week - i plan on having one myself.