dubble bubble

i swear, they're trying to break my jaw. is it my fault that i have an oral fixation? so i chew gum incessantly. and then i try two pieces to make up for the flagging flavor, and i get misery. it feels like my jaw is about to pop off, i swear. this is crazy. but somehow the pain has become it's own pleasure, and this is sick and twisted and jesus i should go to sleep.

if you're from scranton, i just want to say for the record - andy ufberg is freaking hot.

you know my name...

hello little benjy davis! named for your father's Saba (grandfather) Ben Davis and your mother's Rav-Saba (great-grandfather) Avrohom Gerlitz (Savti's father), that's quite the tradition you will be carrying on. i knew them both...

Benjy.

I like it. Koby liked it too. he didn't like Binny. or Benny. or Bibi. : ) good taste, that kid.

welcome to the world

in just a few short hours my nephew will have a name, an identity with which to meet the world.  it boggles my mind to think that he can be anyone, do anything...  in these late hours before he joins us, i want to give him a bracha (and i hope you all join me) that he lead a beautiful life, dedicated to G-d and good, truth and justice, the pursuit of knowledge and peace.  and i hope that i can be a worthy role-model to him, and a loving and supportive aunt.

he's so small.  so vulnerable.  i'm terrified.  welcome to the world, baby.  i'm already starting to love you...

things that make you go

hmm...

it's been an interesting week. first off, i'd like to note, this is the first time publishing to my blog from a mac. yay macs!

wednesday night i was invited to a graduation party of sorts at my friends' apartment. aizeh kef! in the middle of all this, i got a voice mail from my sister, simply stating "call me back!". and call back i did, repeatedly, fighting the evil busy signal gods. finally i gave up and called my mother's cell phone (a big no no in the hospital).

"Hi, Ima? What's the news?"

"Hold on one second..." (sound of phones shuffling)

(sister's voice, somwhat tired) " Hi, honey. It's a boy."

a masculine child! let the happy dancing commence! after being told by some drunk boy that i am now an uncle, i proposed a l'chaim to the new little man who would be occupying space in my heart. he's v cute, and he looks familiar without looking like any of us, in particular. good job being an original, my man! the brit is on thursday morning, 8:15 in scranton. and as long as we're discussing the day he was born, i'd like to point out that it was my father's 55th birthday, and i want him to know now (you listening abba?) I WILL NEVER BEAT THIS. do not get your hopes up. this is the best present you will ever get from any of us, and nothing i can do will compare. so i'm not even going to try. happy wonderful beautiful birthday.

so, delightful little children are filling up my sister's home, and if someone would like to donate money to the cause, i should be buying them gifties. : ) oh, well, they'll have to settle for massive hugs instead.

i *love* kids...

: )  anyone know of anybody looking for a babysitter?  i think that this may be my new path in life -  that of the shifting jobs, never knowing where i'm going, what i'm doing, or how i got here.  oh, no!  existentialist moment coming on.  fight it!  fight it!  hee hee.  anyhow, thankfully i'm not one who can stay 'down' for v long, so i'm going to leave work @ 5 and go home

and get happy.

ahhhhh, i love music.

hm

why don't i get paid simply for existing?  i think i do it rather well.

work.  budget cuts.  joyous day-ous.  i wonder how i would look sleeping on a park bench.  probably v cold, v lonely, and v scared.  although there are always the birds to talk to.  yeah, the birds.  feh, i'm in a half bad mood, but trying not to be.  this sucks.  boo on society and all their silly ways.

crazy

i'm the world's most hyper girl ever.  it's incredible how fast i can speak.  i apologize for not making it in english all the time, or even something recognizable to your ears as a language.  <grin>  anyhow, i'm moving and packing and running and largely enjoying it, other than that whole needing money so badly i pondered (briefly) doing something rash like selling one of my friends to some eastern slave trade.  but i realized that would only tide me over for a short while, and i may become addicted and wind up with all my friend in the east as slaves and me here all alone.  what i'm trying to say is i would feel guilty.  um, yeah.  ok, time to put my keppy down and relax.  shabbat shalom to all, and to all a good night.

goddamit!!!!!!!!!!

dude, dov, don't poke me on my back where i farging fell and *hurt*myself last night.  smart smart boy.

grrrrrrrrrrrr.  watch out, i bite when i get angry.  watch your back, boy.  and whimpering will only serve to piss me off more.  trust me.  and if you somehow succeed in getting away from me, jessica knows where you live.  and she will hunt you down.

ah, the relief of being mean to other people...

*sigh*

multiply that last entry title by 10.  i passed out in the shower last night.  this takes an inordinate amount of talent, specifically the not eating enough and being hypoglycemic kind.  standing in the shower, head gets fuzzy, so i take a second to breathre, relax, figure it will go away because i haven't actually passed out from this since freshman year.  it works for a second, but the feeling doesn't go away - my head is heavy, everything's gone black, i can't stand, i'm so woozy...  suddenly my eyes are opening, and i'm smushed on the bathtub floor, head at awkward angle, back pressed up against the faucets, and i don't remember falling.  i hate this feeling.  my friends are here, one of them came running.  i grab my towel from where it's hanging on the rod, ask for a cup of water.  i slowly move from the floor of the tub to sitting on the edge, sipping water.  i feel strong enough to stand, look in the mirror (this is the freaky part) and my face is grey.  forget chalky, like you sometimes hear.  absolutely grey.

goddamn it, i really am an idiot.

just a funny PS - when i fell, i hit my back on something so hard that i cut it and it's swollen and i can't fargin' sleep on it.  hello, must remember to eat at *least* two meals a day from now on.  why is that funny?  because it is - to me.  hahaha

ok, nauseous from too much moulin rouge (for real, yo!).  and sick of my whining, so i'm out.

i'm such an idiot sometimes

i realized on friday that the reason i couldn't get online was probably that my modem was being moody, so after 2 hours of dov trying to get his laptop working, i went over, unplugged the thing, replugged it, and voila.  fascinating how i can be soooooooooooo stupid sometimes.

in other news, i finally cried on friday night (thanks menach, i needed it).  how many steps *is* it til you can reclaim your sanity?  or even mine...  i have to stop letting other ppl dictate my moods.  i hate that i get down, that i get upset, depressed even, over immature ppl acting stupidly.  if ppl choose to believe gossip about me, so be it.  if ppl choose to take me for granted, so be it.  they will simply lose me, and that, in the end, is a shame for them.  not for me.

ok, must finish papers, pack...  gah.  life is so complicated when you're doing nothing.  remind me to never do nothing again.

lord...

so, my computer's dead and i can't get online for anything - email, IM, the blog...  annoyance.  moving this week, crazy, trying to pakc and clean, and actually go to work so i can get a check and pay rent next month.  haha.  fun life that i lead.  try not to be jealous.

boo on boredom.

so i'm totally going to lose most of you on this, but i posted my photoshop entry on fark today (without voting, because it took me so long to post, i decided i was no longer vote worthy). but the thing is that you need an image hoster before you can post, so i checked out the ones that they recommend. one's going out of business, one won't host for an outside source, and one was all screwy with .txt and .jpg. so i was hoping all along that i could figure out how to use this blog as my host, but i couldn't find the URL for the photos i've uploaded here. after 2 hours of frustration (and 2 embarasingly empty posts to fark), i realized that with the wonderful tools provided to me by my lovely internet explorer, i could upload a photo to my blog from my album, then check to see what the tags are, which would give me the URL. hello obvious! took me forever to click it together, but once i did - i posted on fark! nothing as thrilling as seeing that photoshopped guy with pudding... check out yaldani, towards the bottom. commence the happy dancing!

and major props to wil wheaton for letting me know of fark's existence in the first place.  wil, you are awesome...  keep it going with the comdey so i can come see you when i get myself over to your coast.

haha

...

so, we're moving, and it's so exciting.  i can't wait to go.  but that means i have to pack up everything and be in limbo for the next few weeks, and really - all i want to do right now is sleep.

<sigh>  why are guys so complicated?  i know you all are always complaining about us girls and the head games we play.  maybe it'sjust me, but i'm pretty damn honest about things, sometimes offensively so (and for that i apologize), but it's mostly because i don't like headgames, i don't understand how to play them, and they just f$%* everything up for ppl.  so, for all the accusations of women playing games, WHAT IS UP WITH YOU MEN?  can you *ever* make a decision and stick to it?  forget that, even, can any of you make decisions?  or is the hanging in limbo thing something that taught all of you back in yeshiva somewhere?  i can just see it now:

Rabbi (locking door):  he he, all those persky girls are gone now, boys.  time to learn!

Boys: no!  we don't want to!

Rabbi:  oh, trust me, you'll need this.  today we're learning how to keep women in our life without ever having to tell them what we want from them.  and, if you do well enough, i'll teach you tactics to jerk them back to you just when they get frustrated and decide to pull away.

yeah, that must be it.

ah, s*&#

my secret identity must never be revealed!

happy faces

      

just because i can...

what a beautiful sight. does anyone know when the sequel is coming out????????????????

motz"ash

fascinating city, really.  for a place that never sleeps, it seems to do just that, and early.  mind you, the noise never seems to go away, just the options for places to go/things to do.  such as blockbuster.  why must it close at midnight?  isn't it just (perhaps) conceivable that someone may want to rent a movie at, say, 12:30?  although some man on the street (i'm sure he was v nice, but he seemed a little scary at the time) offered to help us find a "great bar that's open all night!".  gee, thanks.  how did you know?  does my face just shine with 'i want to go out and get plastered'?  hey, funny question considering my activities recently...

avocado

the boys

mack baby

b/w

color

beatles

noogie

i've done this 3 times?!

important information for everyone. sure puts a different perspective on last night's activities

i'm funny!

lifting from a friend's journal (i was going to say for a moment, but truth is it will be closer to eternity or so):

So, I'm instant messeging with an old friend when she suddenly tells me, "you've been a great friend for a long time now, and I wanted you to know that I love you."

Of course, this was prefaced by "Shut up, I'm having a moment," and followed by "I'm not picking out china or anything, just wanted you to know."

look, i'm famous!

i hereby declare april 13th to be "take a moment day"

i know you were worried...

it's now 4:30, i've been clean for 6 and a half hours.  i even ate 2 and a half pieces of bread!  yay me!  yossie's here, and he's bored, and someone should really buy him a tamagotchi so he has someone to play with 24/7.  do they still make those things?  how about pogs?  ok, trying to relate to the wrong generation.  ha - i still have my rainbow bright doll.  and you young ppl don't even know what that is.

fech pech.

he he

thanks abba:

Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan...

what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan:

1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. We will promise never to "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 day visits unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself, don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers.

5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home, baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else.

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere". They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them gets "lost" or is taken by their army. The people who need it most get very little, anyway.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

9b) Use the buildings as replacement for the Twin Towers.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.

11)The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?"

woohoo

hey, look at me, i'm figuring all this out.  yayness.  : )

damn it, skippy

i want a squirrel! must be the easiest pet to have in the city...

bloody hangovers...

so i'm trying to post this image i saw on brunching shuttlecocks, and the stupid thing just won't go.  grrrrrrrrrrr.  it's not helping any that i seem to have alcohol poisoning (thanks for the invite, though, dan!).  did you know you could throw up water?  i really had no idea.  i mean, is there anything more neutral than water?

in other fun news of the day, i don't know how secure my job is for next year.  that's making me a little nervous.  i'm going to have to start looking around to see what else i can find if this doesn't come through.  in which case, may i add, i will be v upset.

always amusing - going out, putting on a ton of makeup, coming home and craching out in bed without removing said makeup - i'm not sure if i look like a clown, a whore, or a model.  not that there's much difference between the three, other than the ratings (G, R, PG-13).

and the gloves come off

some of you may have missed the beginning of this.  this is very personal and i wasn't going to post it, but here it is.  i hope you leave me some feedback at the end.

bdkinz: I see.  maybe you're being too forthcoming
brdmstryx: how so?
bdkinz: and not playing head games enough
brdmstryx: i don't know how
bdkinz: I know.  guys like having a little challenge, sometimes.  but it might be that this is the problem.
brdmstryx: consistently over the years, it has been.
bdkinz: basically, guy wants to still be knight in shining armor, though appreciates a strong woman.
brdmstryx: i know.  and i allow for that.  but not when it comes to me
bdkinz: are you sure
brdmstryx: it's open and honest between us.  but i let guys know when i need them
bdkinz: exactly
brdmstryx: and i'm v needy in an attention craving way
bdkinz: you tell us too much, sometimes
brdmstryx: and an "i can't do this, help me" way.  well, you guys are always telling me you can't figure it out on your own, and you wish we would tell you.
bdkinz: which is true
brdmstryx: so i do as you've all asked
bdkinz: but we don’t want someone else to do it, always.  It makes us feel incompetent.  and while guys are, very often, they need to have a way to figure it out themselves.  at least for many of them.
brdmstryx: I’m not exactly following.  the way they seem to figure it out themselves is to do nothing
bdkinz: ah, that’s the first mistake.  let me begin.  man feels need to be in charge.  it doesn’t mean in charge practically, but it means the feeling of control.
brdmstryx: ok.  why the assumption that women don’t need the same?
bdkinz: I’m not denying it.
brdmstryx: guys want control of every situation, women wants control of their lives
bdkinz: this is true
brdmstryx: when the two butt heads, are we supposed to step back and let them determine the course of events?
bdkinz: no.  but, to tell a man what to do every step of the way removes his independence, and then – loss of control.
brdmstryx: of course.  but when subtle hints get you nowhere?
bdkinz: then sometimes be more overt.  and sometimes don’t.  it’s all about compromise and encroaching on space
brdmstryx: and when they still don't call, for example, on a regular basis.  or even quasi-regular
bdkinz: then, there is a great problem
brdmstryx: yet when they're around they're totally into you
bdkinz: right.  we are visual people, not phone people
brdmstryx: does not the women have the right to find out what the heck is going on?
bdkinz: she does
brdmstryx: ok, let's say no phone.  getting together
bdkinz: ok
brdmstryx: is that good?
bdkinz: this is easier
brdmstryx: ok
bdkinz: yes, we like that
brdmstryx: so he's around once in a while
bdkinz: right
brdmstryx: but then he'll disappear
bdkinz: that is normal.  men need space and time
brdmstryx: and she'll say "huh, funny, you were gone a while"
bdkinz: right
brdmstryx: and he'll pop in and out
bdkinz: and he will not understand
brdmstryx: how long is this acceptable for?
bdkinz: well, lets see.  man needing space – forever.  though it is different for each one
brdmstryx: how long can he disappear for?
bdkinz: how long has it been
brdmstryx: what's an acceptable amount of time?
bdkinz: I don’t know; depends
brdmstryx: ok.  how about this - go on a date, fall off the planet for 2 months.  is that ok?
bdkinz: that’s too long.  and not acceptable
brdmstryx: yeah! it is too long!  or here's another scenario.  the 'i like you but i'm not ready to date you' line
bdkinz: hey, women do that one as well.
brdmstryx: what are we supposed to do with these guys?  push them into dating early?
bdkinz: no
brdmstryx: drop them as friends?
bdkinz: but be less pushy sometimes
brdmstryx: spend painful time with them liking them more and more, knowing that it's going to escalate and end badly?
bdkinz: and no, but make the friendship not so central
bdkinz: look dani, I wish I understood .  personally, I would never do such a thing
brdmstryx: my point is, in my experience, i have encountered tons of guys who like girls, but don't want to commit to anything.  and so they dangle us (me).  ok. Let’s admit this is about me.
bdkinz: i know it is
brdmstryx: i know, but i have to stop referring to myself as 'us', as if I speak for all womankind.  when do i have the right to say "dude, make a decision or i walk"?
bdkinz: whenever you want
brdmstryx: or can i never say it because men want to be in control?
bdkinz: and sometimes sooner than you do.  you can.  and it might scare one of them too much
brdmstryx: but then i'm taking control away from the men
bdkinz: right, but you’re not, because they have to know you might accept it, and you are giving them a choice.  I admit, it is a vicious cycle
brdmstryx: but then he's gonna have to commit to his choice.  none of this "i'm not dating you now, but i want all the perks i've had while you thought i was courting you"
bdkinz: that is unacceptable.  and you shouldn’t do that
brdmstryx: none of this "i still want to be able to spend all of my time with you, hold your hand, go with you places on a regular basis".  not dating me is not dating me.  and that also means no jealousy when i date other people.  no breaking that up, presumably to date me, just to say "oh, i'm not ready"
bdkinz: then make it clear.  but part of your problem is you don’t make it clear always.  and I understand that
brdmstryx: but then i'm taking control away from him.  cause he either has to let me go, or try for something more
bdkinz: ok, I see.  let me think
brdmstryx: and that he is quite the plural.
bdkinz: I am aware.  may I be honest with you
brdmstryx: yes.  you sometimes throw yours
elf at someone too quickly.  hoping for something
brdmstryx: yes.  i am too intense
bdkinz: and then sometimes giving more than you should
brdmstryx: and i build off of that intensity.  ah…
bdkinz: both emotionally and even physically sometimes
brdmstryx: that good old why the buy the cow if you get the milk for free theory
bdkinz: right.  men want their women to be hard to get.  but willing to fall for them
brdmstryx: so i should pull back from ppl
bdkinz: a little
brdmstryx: i don’t know if i can
bdkinz: I know.  it is hard
brdmstryx: when i pull back my defenses go up.  and i'm not as nice as i like to be.  cause i'm all concerned with making sure i don't get hurt.  when i forget about getting hurt, i open up to people and let them get to know me.  otherwise i'm cold, v hard to get to, and i don’t like that person at all
bdkinz: then don’t be it, but don’t be open the same way
brdmstryx: but this is not about me.  this is about guys
bdkinz: yes and no
brdmstryx: doing stupid guy things.  and about me to the extent that i test them.  i push them
bdkinz: and tell them too much
brdmstryx: i see how strong they are
bdkinz: and you want to be strong too
brdmstryx: yes
bdkinz: and man no like that
brdmstryx: but i'm looking for someone stronger then me.  in every way.  because my strength is false
bdkinz: I know.  but they don’t see themselves as such
brdmstryx: then they're not worth my time.  and i should kick them to curb (to quote noam)
bdkinz: but the only ones who know that are those who can get close to you, and those are your friends, who aren’t on the radar
brdmstryx: so back to  my original thesis of the year - i'm never going to get married
bdkinz: you will
brdmstryx: because i'm never going to have a successful relationship, because i'm looking for someone strong, who obviously doesn't exist, if they all get scared off by what looks like me being strong.  i've told you many times, the most attractive trait in a male for me is his level of aggression.  his ability to say 'I want this' and to try to get/achieve it.  coupled with healthy respect for others, and of course smart enough for me to respect...  but that alpha male bit, i love it.  i need it.  cause i'm not at all like that, for all that i pretend
bdkinz: and the man wants to know that.  and there needs to be a balance
brdmstryx: you should see how tame i am when i'm around guys like that.  it's hysterical.  balance of what sort?
bdkinz: between your strength.  which isn’t false.  and your need for him to be the alpha male
brdmstryx: i may be strong as compared to most women in our little world,
bdkinz: not just in our world
brdmstryx: but i'm still a woman.  i need to feel protected
bdkinz: no one is denying that.  and that is what the man wants to do
brdmstryx: and once i trust someone,
bdkinz: you give everything to him too fast, emotionally
brdmstryx: i need to feel that he can be given control over me at times.  no, i really don't.  i hold back in ways you couldn’t begin to imagine
bdkinz: ok
brdmstryx: and someone worth their salt would call me on it in two seconds flat.  and a few have
bdkinz: and then what happens
brdmstryx: then he walks away
bdkinz: why
brdmstryx: because he cares too much.  and lord help me if i know what that means
bdkinz: I don’t know what that means
brdmstryx: he regrets it in the end, but moves on, and i'm left v confused.  and v annoyed with males in general.  and then, we're back to our dilemma.  most of them get stuck in the 'i can't decide' phase.  which annoys me quickly.  i lose patience and respect.  it's emasculating  not know what you're doing, and not attractive to see
bdkinz: ok
brdmstryx: so when a guy is in that state and i'm stuck there with him, it usually ends with me telling him to go away.  Ok.  *almost* always.  and if it ends up that he chooses to go, at that point i've already lost so much respect for him that our friendship has forever changed.  not that i mind someone taking their time to get to know someone.  not that ppl have to be ready the second i am.  but it's not fair to put a reserved sign on my nose, and expect i'll leave it there for months.  or a year.  with nothing to hold me to it.  i am too ADD to sit and wait.
bdkinz: but you do sometimes.  and they know it
brdmstryx: no, i bounce all over in the middle .  and if they don’t know that, G-d bless them for their ignorance
bdkinz: right, but the person is still on your radar
brdmstryx: yeah, to some degree.  but just enough for me to get mildly irritated, not to want to date him
bdkinz: right.  I wish I understood what they are missing
brdmstryx: i don't know.  i wish i understood why i keep meeting them.  this is why i duck down every few months and refuse to deal with ppl who are interested in me.  it's a v depressing process, constantly being let down by ppl.  i feel like i should start off assuming he's a jerk, and i'll be better off
bdkinz: I don’t know
brdmstryx: what are the options?  so, back to the original dilemma.  guys like control.  but if left to their own devices, guys are stupid.  girls need to create rules to hold guys to
bdkinz: and they do
brdmstryx: but girls don't like that
bdkinz: hence the old statement, the guy is whipped.  I know
brdmstryx: girls wants guys to hold to rules by virtu
e of his being...  virtuous.  so something needs to give.  which is why every so often i decide i should be shomeret
bdkinz: and maybe you should
brdmstryx: but that's not really the solution
bdkinz: because that would create a boundary
brdmstryx: just a stopgap filler
bdkinz: yes and no
brdmstryx: then i think i shouldn't open up
bdkinz: or draw a line, but those are different
brdmstryx: but when someone asks a question, i answer
bdkinz: I see
brdmstryx: it's in my nature.  the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth  <grin>.  my policy

 

i need to point out that there are no conclusions here.  so please leave your comments or a note on the blog board.

  thanks...