ren fair
SCA
brain jumble
jumble brain
Navarre, Spain, 1342 - Donieylla. funky chicken
dinner, steak fried and corn? naaaaaaap
ow ow ow
(this has been brought to you by the letter Q and the number 6)
"the kids' bathroom confederacy does not want to share its tissues with the private parental unit bathroom! in fact, the confederacy may soon declare war on the unit!" ... conversations in the Weiss household
Sunday, June 29, 2003
Saturday, June 28, 2003
love is someone sitting on you to make sure you go to sleep
tzip, SCR - i love you guys and i miss you both a lot.
shavua tov, girls.
shavua tov, girls.
Unless commitment is made,
...there are only promises and hopes - Peter F. Drucker
First of all, I want to clarify a few things from my last post. I did not end intend to imply when I stated “One is this tendency to rush into marriage, which accounts for that divorce rate we see.” that I’m against people marrying young. If you’re ready, you’re ready, whatever age you are. Rushing into marriage to me is getting there before you’re ready, whether you’re 19 or 39, and not being ready can be for a multitude of reasons which I’m hoping to explore as I keep posting my thoughts on the the state of the institution of marriage in the modern frum world.
Second: I am against going into therapy when you get engaged, because therapy is a treatment for a problem. If you’ve already got a problem that is serious enough to put you in couples’ therapy, why are you getting engaged? That being said, I am very pro getting guidance and learning how to deal with marriage. Please understand that this is more than a game of semantics here. This is the difference between strengthening something so it won’t break and trying to heal something that has broken far before it should have.
My friend mentioned to me over Shabbat that there is a push for a six-pronged system of Chatan and Kallah classes, which would not only entail whoever teaches the guys to work in conjunction with whoever teaches the ladies, but also for other classes to be mandatory. I’m going to look into this a bit more and get more info, but from what I can remember it’s something like this: halacha, money management, interpersonal relationship skills, a session 6 weeks into the marriage, and a session a year into the marriage. I know I’m missing a prong. sorry.
So, to get back on track, the goal of these posts is to explore the reasons that people are staying single and/or getting divorced at a very different rate than even five years ago. To pick up where I left off last time, another thing stopping people is commitment issues. There are all those old things people say, such as “Men are like dogs - ask a dog if he wants to go on walk, and he’ll get excited. Even if he’s already on a walk. Cause who knows, the next walk could just be that much better.” Well, I think that’s a tendency of (immature) human nature, something that has to be overcome before marriage. And no, it’s not always. Think of people head over heels in love with their spouses who cheat. Getting married is not necessarily a sign that you are ready.
Just wanted to share: I spent Shabbat at my cousin’s Sheva Brachot, and if I’m not mistaken, her husband is the first guy she’s ever dated. Everything these people have to invest in a relationship, in another person, is going to be invested into each other. That’s so cool to me. In a way, I wish I could go back and not have dated any of the people I did so I could find that too. Well, at the very least, the people I dated who I knew I was never going to marry (hello, that’s almost the same number. *grin*). This couple is as committed as committed gets (and thank you to Rivky for bringing up the whole Seinfeldian point of the word being ‘committed’).
Yes, it’s scary to take yourself ‘off the market’, close out all other options and say “this is the one”. Some people balk at the dating point, some people at the couple point, some people at the engagement point. But once you take that step, for whatever degree of a relationship you have, it’s only fair to really do it. If you’re going to date someone, don’t actively look to meet other people at the same time. Get to know the person without confusion. This doesn’t mean that you have to commit to dating that one person after the first date. In fact, whether you’re getting set up or meeting people on your own, if you’ve had only one date with someone and you meet or hear of somene else who sounds amazing, there’s no reason not to meet that person then. But after 3 or 4 dates, come on people, you’ve created certain expectations here. If you keep going on these dates, be cognizant of the fact that you’re working up to being a couple, unless you have discussed it and specifically stated that you are casually dating. (Um, hello, what is casual dating anyhow? Who dates with the specific intention of never getting married? OK, people do. I’ll get into this later, it’s gonna be too much a tangent right now)
Once you’re a couple, *no more trying to meet new people*! In fact, should you somehow just happen to meet someone, remember that you are not free to just see this person. If you decide to make yourself free to be with that person, keep in mind the consequences (it may be well worth it anyhow, just take this into account) - you will be hurting the person you are with, terribly, and the person you’re looking to be with will most likely have that lingering thought in his/her head that if you meet someone else while you two are together, you may walk again. Not happy.
My point here is not really to give dating advice. Just to say that if you’re going to play at being an adult, you need to meet that on all levels. And relating to yourself differently because of where you are in a relationship is a big part of that. Multiply all that for engagement, and more for marriage. (also, as much as being engaged is a huge commitment, better a broken engagement than a broken marriage, which brings with it a heavier emotional toll, lost years as opposed to months, and of course, my personal favorite, social stigma. boo on social stigmas!!!)
We have this strange fascination with staying young, as if it were better a few years ago than it is now. I know people who were close to getting engaged, and just couldn’t accept that that would make them adults, place them at a point in their lives they didn’t want to be yet because it felt old, and they called it off. Most of the couples I know who did that broke up.
Quick lesson, by the way, about making decisions for yourself and not the world around you - one couple who I respect beyond belief did the truly rare thing in our world. They got engaged, decided that they weren’t ready, called off the engagement, and *kept dating* each other. That takes balls. I know it sounds so simple, but people were very nasty about it. And when they decided that they were ready, they made a full commitment and gave their marriage a much stronger foundation than it would have had otherwise. I feel like I’m not being very coherent here.
I remember turning 20. My birthday wasn’t traumatic in and of itself. But I had to readjust the way I thought of myself. I was used to being a teenager, and as my mother said to me that day “How will you explain yourself now? You can’t say ‘Yeah, what do you expect -I’m a teen!’”. It was ingrained in me to think of myself a certain way, and it really bothered me to have to change my self-perception when it was so comfortable for me. Similarly, adjusting to being part of a couple instead of just yourself is very strange. You have someone to take into account, your thought process and behavior have to adapt to this new person’s presence.
I know a huge part of my hesitancy with dating most of the people mentioned to me is that once we’re a couple, I’ll be associated with that guy in people’s minds, and I’m not sure that I like that. It’s one thing to have friends of all stripes. I don’t have to identify myself by what my friends stand for. It makes me antsy to be summed up by the choices and opinions of someone else. Which is why in the past three years I have dated exactly one wonderful person for more then two dates. Not that the other people were bad people. There were just things I wasn’t thrilled to have associated with me. I’ve turned down great people because of how other people perceive things about them, perceptions which I know to be unfounded. But I didn’t want anyone going “Oh, Dani Weiss? Isn’t she dating so-and-so? Wow, she must be (fill-in-the-blank) just like him.” I don’t know how many people are conscious of that, but we tend to get fidgety when the people we’re identified with do things we don’t like. I have been working on separating my identity in my head from the guys I date, and from my family memebers (it’s a similar over-identification, I find). It’s really hard! But I know that I don’t do that to other couples - I recognize them as two separate individuals who come together with sometimes differering opinions, or senses of humor, or whatever the case may be, so there’s hope that people don’t do that to me. : )
My mother also feels that a lot of the problems people have with committing to marriage is that the focus is on the wrong place. People aren’t focusing on what they want to do with the marriage, what they want to accomplish in life. It’s a more immediate ‘need’ that they are looking to fill - do I like you? Do I like hanging out with you? Can I put up with you for the next 60 years? Or whatever the focus may be. There’s so much more to it, more than I know, having never been there, but I can guess at bits of it. Do we have the same goals in life? Will we help each other grow? Can we communicate? More on trust and communication next time, kids. Shavua tov, everyone.
First of all, I want to clarify a few things from my last post. I did not end intend to imply when I stated “One is this tendency to rush into marriage, which accounts for that divorce rate we see.” that I’m against people marrying young. If you’re ready, you’re ready, whatever age you are. Rushing into marriage to me is getting there before you’re ready, whether you’re 19 or 39, and not being ready can be for a multitude of reasons which I’m hoping to explore as I keep posting my thoughts on the the state of the institution of marriage in the modern frum world.
Second: I am against going into therapy when you get engaged, because therapy is a treatment for a problem. If you’ve already got a problem that is serious enough to put you in couples’ therapy, why are you getting engaged? That being said, I am very pro getting guidance and learning how to deal with marriage. Please understand that this is more than a game of semantics here. This is the difference between strengthening something so it won’t break and trying to heal something that has broken far before it should have.
My friend mentioned to me over Shabbat that there is a push for a six-pronged system of Chatan and Kallah classes, which would not only entail whoever teaches the guys to work in conjunction with whoever teaches the ladies, but also for other classes to be mandatory. I’m going to look into this a bit more and get more info, but from what I can remember it’s something like this: halacha, money management, interpersonal relationship skills, a session 6 weeks into the marriage, and a session a year into the marriage. I know I’m missing a prong. sorry.
So, to get back on track, the goal of these posts is to explore the reasons that people are staying single and/or getting divorced at a very different rate than even five years ago. To pick up where I left off last time, another thing stopping people is commitment issues. There are all those old things people say, such as “Men are like dogs - ask a dog if he wants to go on walk, and he’ll get excited. Even if he’s already on a walk. Cause who knows, the next walk could just be that much better.” Well, I think that’s a tendency of (immature) human nature, something that has to be overcome before marriage. And no, it’s not always. Think of people head over heels in love with their spouses who cheat. Getting married is not necessarily a sign that you are ready.
Just wanted to share: I spent Shabbat at my cousin’s Sheva Brachot, and if I’m not mistaken, her husband is the first guy she’s ever dated. Everything these people have to invest in a relationship, in another person, is going to be invested into each other. That’s so cool to me. In a way, I wish I could go back and not have dated any of the people I did so I could find that too. Well, at the very least, the people I dated who I knew I was never going to marry (hello, that’s almost the same number. *grin*). This couple is as committed as committed gets (and thank you to Rivky for bringing up the whole Seinfeldian point of the word being ‘committed’).
Yes, it’s scary to take yourself ‘off the market’, close out all other options and say “this is the one”. Some people balk at the dating point, some people at the couple point, some people at the engagement point. But once you take that step, for whatever degree of a relationship you have, it’s only fair to really do it. If you’re going to date someone, don’t actively look to meet other people at the same time. Get to know the person without confusion. This doesn’t mean that you have to commit to dating that one person after the first date. In fact, whether you’re getting set up or meeting people on your own, if you’ve had only one date with someone and you meet or hear of somene else who sounds amazing, there’s no reason not to meet that person then. But after 3 or 4 dates, come on people, you’ve created certain expectations here. If you keep going on these dates, be cognizant of the fact that you’re working up to being a couple, unless you have discussed it and specifically stated that you are casually dating. (Um, hello, what is casual dating anyhow? Who dates with the specific intention of never getting married? OK, people do. I’ll get into this later, it’s gonna be too much a tangent right now)
Once you’re a couple, *no more trying to meet new people*! In fact, should you somehow just happen to meet someone, remember that you are not free to just see this person. If you decide to make yourself free to be with that person, keep in mind the consequences (it may be well worth it anyhow, just take this into account) - you will be hurting the person you are with, terribly, and the person you’re looking to be with will most likely have that lingering thought in his/her head that if you meet someone else while you two are together, you may walk again. Not happy.
My point here is not really to give dating advice. Just to say that if you’re going to play at being an adult, you need to meet that on all levels. And relating to yourself differently because of where you are in a relationship is a big part of that. Multiply all that for engagement, and more for marriage. (also, as much as being engaged is a huge commitment, better a broken engagement than a broken marriage, which brings with it a heavier emotional toll, lost years as opposed to months, and of course, my personal favorite, social stigma. boo on social stigmas!!!)
We have this strange fascination with staying young, as if it were better a few years ago than it is now. I know people who were close to getting engaged, and just couldn’t accept that that would make them adults, place them at a point in their lives they didn’t want to be yet because it felt old, and they called it off. Most of the couples I know who did that broke up.
Quick lesson, by the way, about making decisions for yourself and not the world around you - one couple who I respect beyond belief did the truly rare thing in our world. They got engaged, decided that they weren’t ready, called off the engagement, and *kept dating* each other. That takes balls. I know it sounds so simple, but people were very nasty about it. And when they decided that they were ready, they made a full commitment and gave their marriage a much stronger foundation than it would have had otherwise. I feel like I’m not being very coherent here.
I remember turning 20. My birthday wasn’t traumatic in and of itself. But I had to readjust the way I thought of myself. I was used to being a teenager, and as my mother said to me that day “How will you explain yourself now? You can’t say ‘Yeah, what do you expect -I’m a teen!’”. It was ingrained in me to think of myself a certain way, and it really bothered me to have to change my self-perception when it was so comfortable for me. Similarly, adjusting to being part of a couple instead of just yourself is very strange. You have someone to take into account, your thought process and behavior have to adapt to this new person’s presence.
I know a huge part of my hesitancy with dating most of the people mentioned to me is that once we’re a couple, I’ll be associated with that guy in people’s minds, and I’m not sure that I like that. It’s one thing to have friends of all stripes. I don’t have to identify myself by what my friends stand for. It makes me antsy to be summed up by the choices and opinions of someone else. Which is why in the past three years I have dated exactly one wonderful person for more then two dates. Not that the other people were bad people. There were just things I wasn’t thrilled to have associated with me. I’ve turned down great people because of how other people perceive things about them, perceptions which I know to be unfounded. But I didn’t want anyone going “Oh, Dani Weiss? Isn’t she dating so-and-so? Wow, she must be (fill-in-the-blank) just like him.” I don’t know how many people are conscious of that, but we tend to get fidgety when the people we’re identified with do things we don’t like. I have been working on separating my identity in my head from the guys I date, and from my family memebers (it’s a similar over-identification, I find). It’s really hard! But I know that I don’t do that to other couples - I recognize them as two separate individuals who come together with sometimes differering opinions, or senses of humor, or whatever the case may be, so there’s hope that people don’t do that to me. : )
My mother also feels that a lot of the problems people have with committing to marriage is that the focus is on the wrong place. People aren’t focusing on what they want to do with the marriage, what they want to accomplish in life. It’s a more immediate ‘need’ that they are looking to fill - do I like you? Do I like hanging out with you? Can I put up with you for the next 60 years? Or whatever the focus may be. There’s so much more to it, more than I know, having never been there, but I can guess at bits of it. Do we have the same goals in life? Will we help each other grow? Can we communicate? More on trust and communication next time, kids. Shavua tov, everyone.
Thursday, June 26, 2003
will somebody please marry B****?
I’m told that the divorce rate is rocketing out of control, both in the general Orthodox Jewish world and, specifically, the YU world. My first day as a YU student, R’ Dr. Norman Lamm came and addressed us in Koch auditorium to talk to us about dating. His message essentially was that people shouldn’t feel pressured into any decision because other people have created standards and time limits, such as deciding at the 4 month point whether or not you’re ready to get engaged. He also cited a common belief at Stern that graduating while single is tantamount to a tragedy, and at the very least is embarrassing for many girls. He stated that there is nothing to be ashamed of if you are are still single when you finish college.
It’s funny. ‘Polarized’ is a word that’s thrown around a lot these days in regards to YU, but I don’t know if anyone else has applied it to the dating scene. I’m about to. The way I see it, there have been two responses to the marriage thing, both born out from stress. One is this tendency to rush into marriage, which accounts for that divorce rate we see. The other is to back off and be overly wary, which results in what has sadly become a cliche - a community like the Upper West Side.
I have this theory about people my age. I think we’re used to a very comfortable life, with instant gratification coming out of our ears. Hey, I love it, but I think that maybe it’s a little unhealthy that my life (at times) can go something like this:
I’m online, on AIM, MSN, and Yahoo Messenger. My cell phone is on. When I’m not on AIM, my messages are forwarded to my cell phone, or for true convenience, I can IM and email from my phone as well. I have web based email, which I can check anywhere that there is a phone line on my laptop which I carry everywhere. As I’m online, I’m watching movies on demand or TV shows on demand on cable, because it’s much more convenient than waiting ‘til the regularly programmed stuff comes on. And if I get hungry, I most likely would grab something out of the freezer, pop it in the microwave, and be eating within 2 minutes. I’ve been at the point where a website that took more than five seconds to load had me cursing the internet gods, where i won’t make food because I’d have to invest a good 10 minutes of my time into the preparation of it, and royally pissed off when my cell phone dies and I’m unreachable for half an hour.
Does any of this sounds familiar?
I can’t imagine adjusting to a life where I share my time and space with someone else, continuously. Where I can’t just retreat behind a computer screen, or throw up an away message - or just let the call go to voice mail. I’m so used to being in immediate control of the situations I’m in that moving back in with my parents for the summer is sorely trying my patience. Totally forgivable, they’re demands are ridiculous: go to bed at a decent time. Spend less time on the computer (especially IMing). Clean my room. Wash my dishes. And when do I have to do all of this? At *their* convenience. Halleluya, Jafar... I like my independence. (Unreasonable, my parents, aren’t they?)
So I can see how someone who’s a product of this remarkably self-centered world can have a tough time adjusting to being one-of-two. Needing to take someone else’s schedule and feelings to heart. Are we equipped to deal head on with arguments in real time? Do we know how to take time to cool off, listen to one another, truly forgive someone?
So, one solution that many people I have spoken to seem to favor is having people start couples’ therapy as soon as they’re engaged. That bugs me on some level, probably the part of me that doesn’t like to feel dependent. But also because it doesn’t resolve the question of how to get people to the point of getting engaged. It used to be men who had all the commitment issues, but I’m seeing more and women who simply do not want to change their (comfortable) life-styles. I think i’m done for now because it’s v late and I seem to have no real solutions. please leave me your thoughts on what I had to say - I might be totally off base here and simply describing myself. : )
It’s funny. ‘Polarized’ is a word that’s thrown around a lot these days in regards to YU, but I don’t know if anyone else has applied it to the dating scene. I’m about to. The way I see it, there have been two responses to the marriage thing, both born out from stress. One is this tendency to rush into marriage, which accounts for that divorce rate we see. The other is to back off and be overly wary, which results in what has sadly become a cliche - a community like the Upper West Side.
I have this theory about people my age. I think we’re used to a very comfortable life, with instant gratification coming out of our ears. Hey, I love it, but I think that maybe it’s a little unhealthy that my life (at times) can go something like this:
I’m online, on AIM, MSN, and Yahoo Messenger. My cell phone is on. When I’m not on AIM, my messages are forwarded to my cell phone, or for true convenience, I can IM and email from my phone as well. I have web based email, which I can check anywhere that there is a phone line on my laptop which I carry everywhere. As I’m online, I’m watching movies on demand or TV shows on demand on cable, because it’s much more convenient than waiting ‘til the regularly programmed stuff comes on. And if I get hungry, I most likely would grab something out of the freezer, pop it in the microwave, and be eating within 2 minutes. I’ve been at the point where a website that took more than five seconds to load had me cursing the internet gods, where i won’t make food because I’d have to invest a good 10 minutes of my time into the preparation of it, and royally pissed off when my cell phone dies and I’m unreachable for half an hour.
Does any of this sounds familiar?
I can’t imagine adjusting to a life where I share my time and space with someone else, continuously. Where I can’t just retreat behind a computer screen, or throw up an away message - or just let the call go to voice mail. I’m so used to being in immediate control of the situations I’m in that moving back in with my parents for the summer is sorely trying my patience. Totally forgivable, they’re demands are ridiculous: go to bed at a decent time. Spend less time on the computer (especially IMing). Clean my room. Wash my dishes. And when do I have to do all of this? At *their* convenience. Halleluya, Jafar... I like my independence. (Unreasonable, my parents, aren’t they?)
So I can see how someone who’s a product of this remarkably self-centered world can have a tough time adjusting to being one-of-two. Needing to take someone else’s schedule and feelings to heart. Are we equipped to deal head on with arguments in real time? Do we know how to take time to cool off, listen to one another, truly forgive someone?
So, one solution that many people I have spoken to seem to favor is having people start couples’ therapy as soon as they’re engaged. That bugs me on some level, probably the part of me that doesn’t like to feel dependent. But also because it doesn’t resolve the question of how to get people to the point of getting engaged. It used to be men who had all the commitment issues, but I’m seeing more and women who simply do not want to change their (comfortable) life-styles. I think i’m done for now because it’s v late and I seem to have no real solutions. please leave me your thoughts on what I had to say - I might be totally off base here and simply describing myself. : )
rolling around in my head
i've been reading all this stuff by this guy Rushkoff and working at it, bit by bit. i'd like to point out that i haven't used my brain in this manner since Israel (hello, i went to stern and majored in art and creative writing). it's nice to be thinking again.
i don't mean to knock the man here when i say this stuff - i respect that he's trying to reconnect, trying to create a future for Judaism. i just happen to think that he's missed the point, and by missing it he's found something terribly sad.
that's what i'm discussing today (well, the first half. i haven't yet fully collected my thoughts on the second half)
i agree that Jews should stand for iconoclasm, and monotheism (but i'll define mine as ethical, not abstract), and social justice - not just in the manner of tikun olam. i agree that there's too much focus on the numbers game. but that's about as far as i go in agreeing with Mr.(?) Rushkoff. (sorry, i'm assuming he's a Mr. and not otherwise titled, if he is, my sincerest apologies).
now, to get nit-picky:
first of all, he takes umbrage at being referred to as a lapsed Jew by "NY's official institutions of Judaism". i don't know the exact policy, but i have the general impression that far from saying that he is not a Jew, the institutions and studies that he is referring to say that he is not an affiliated Jew. Perhaps there is an overly strident focus on numbers, but if we choose to blind ourselves to the dwindling numbers, we will never take action to correct it, whatever that action may be. If a Jew is not religiously affiliated with a practicing group, what holds him to being a Jew other than his race and heritage? a latent Jew is a Jew by birth, but lapsed in a greater sense. it's also unclear to me here if he means to implicate Jews or the Jewish institutions, or if he thinks of Jews as the institutions and vice versa.
Now, he says that
"I wrote eight well-received books about what was happening to our culture, and how to navigate its new "do-it-yourself" terrains.
Then, just a few years ago, it occurred to me that Judaism had attempted to do the same thing to religion. The mythical Israelites of the Torah left their idols behind in order to forge a new way of life–one in which they weren’t dependent upon the gods to do everything for them."
If Judaism was do-it-yourself, there would be no codes or rules to live by. (And why refer to the Israelites as mythical?) While we aren’t dependent upon numerous gods to perform good deeds for us, we are quite cognizant of the fact that we rely upon G-d for everything. In Shema, taken straight fromthe Bible in Deuteronomy, 11:13-21, we read the following (this is the translation in my Artscroll siddur. If anyone wants a translation from a different source, I can translate it for you myself):
" And it will come to pass that if you continually hearken to My commandments that I commanded you today, to love Hashem, your God, and to serve Him, with all your heart and with all your soul - then I will provide rain for your land in its proper time, the early and late rains, that you may gather in your grain, your wine, and your oil. I will provide grass in your field for your cattle and you will eat and be satisfied. Beware lest your heart be seduced and you turn astray and serve gods of others and bow to them. Then the wrath of Hashem will blaze against you. He will restrain the heaven so there will be no rain and the ground will not yield its produce. And you will swiftly be banished from the goodly land which Hashem gives you. Place these words of Mine upon your heart and upon your soul; bind them for a sign upon your arm and let them be tefillin between your eyes. Teach them to your children, to discuss them, while you sit in your home, while you walk on the way, when you retire and when you arise. And write them on the doorposts of your house and upon your gates. In order to prolong your days and the days of your children upon the ground that Hashem has sworn to your ancestors to give them, like the days of the heaven on the earth."
Where does he include the commandements in his assesment of the pillars of Judaism? To review, he states them as “continual smashing of your false idols (iconoclasm), a refusal to pretend you know who or what God is (abstract monotheism) and being nice to people (social justice)”. How does he propose Jews serve God without presenting the Mitzvot? Does he think Jews *serve* God? Second, as it states quite clearly here, we are dependent on God to do everything for us. bring rains, provide grass, even to keep us in the land on which we live.
to continue:
"The reason Jews have such a hard time explaining Judaism, "the religion," is that we aren’t about beliefs. "
Now, if Judaism isnt about beliefs, how does one explain the statement that “Judaism boils down to a 3500-year-old debate about what happened on Mount Sinai and what we’re supposed to do about it.” or that “Judaism isn’t a religion at all, but a way human beings can get over religion and into caring about one another.” What are those if not beliefs, the belief that we have an obligation of some sort because of what occured on Mount Sinai and the belief that we are supposed to care about one another?
With all of the good works done by the world-wide Jewish community in the respective countries, cities, and communities in which they reside, how can one say that a Judaism of caring for one another does not exist today? Also keep in mind, as much as we are supposed to be a light to the world, we aren’t necessarily supposed to be converting the world to our way of thought. Judaism is for Jews, and we need to get that part straight before we start applying it to all human beings. As such, the threat of assimilation is a serious one, as is intermarriage. Not because non-Jews are bad, but because, as he should appreciate, that dilutes the message, the chinuch. Someone who wants to sincerely join the Jewish people and take part in our religion is welcomed, and as much as you hate the numbers game, there have been a lot of converts and ba’alei tshuva in the past 30 years. The need to protect the current State of Israel is not a religiously mandated one per se, but largely an emotional one (with some basis in halacha). In fact, it directly relates to his idea that we should care for one another. I’m not sure why he sees this as a negative image - we not only are preserving our homeland, but helping our brothers there.
Rushkoff keeps focusing on Jewish organizations and what they do, where the money goes. What about all the private work done by Jews? The money sent for the Red Cross, cancer research, The March of Dimes, supporting schools and shuls across America and the world that couldn’t continue without the donations from strangers; dont’ any of these factor in for him? What about the volunteer work done? Also, if we begin to define spirituality by eras, then we have no standard to work from regarding what we’re supposed to be doing here. When he cites a people that has turned inward, I think that he is seeing problems which really do exist, and simply misreading them, perhaps due to his lack of familiarity with the scenarios in which they occur. these issues have to be adressed and fixed, but not by taking God out of the picture.
and that right there is the knee jerk reaction that keeps from appreciating much of what he has to say, as much as i'm trying. what is judaism without God? for me, life without God is meaningless, painfully so. humanitarianism for humanity's sake alone seems to me to be somewhat redundant - i feel good helping you, you feel good getting the help. let's scratch each others' backs some more... where's the altruism if all the parties involved are getting something out of it? how about that higher connection, the striving to be close to God?
side note. i read a line in one of his pieces, and i'm so sorry that i don't remember where, but it was abut 4 am at the time, where he made reference to Jews having a commandment to be holy, and that we should be bringing that holiness to the world and sharing it through intermarriage. let's go the source, mythical as it may be.
Leviticus, 19:2: Speak to the entire assembly of the Children if Israel and say to them: You shall be holy, for holy am I, HaShem, your God.
now, for the transliteration, because frankly i've never studied Ta"NaCh in english...
Da'ber 'el-kol-'adath Bnei-Yisra'el v'amarta aleihem kdoshim tih'yu ki kadosh 'ani HaShem Elokeichem
this pasuq, which Rushkoff believes in, is followed by a number of commandments in the next few psukim. Leviticus, 19:5: When you slaughter a feast peace-offering to HaShem, you shall slaughter it to find favor for yourselves.
how does he resolve that with his statement that "I don’t believe in an all-powerful creature with the white beard who rejoices in animal sacrifice."
(more to come, working on Ramban at the moment, so consider this to be part one)
i don't mean to knock the man here when i say this stuff - i respect that he's trying to reconnect, trying to create a future for Judaism. i just happen to think that he's missed the point, and by missing it he's found something terribly sad.
that's what i'm discussing today (well, the first half. i haven't yet fully collected my thoughts on the second half)
i agree that Jews should stand for iconoclasm, and monotheism (but i'll define mine as ethical, not abstract), and social justice - not just in the manner of tikun olam. i agree that there's too much focus on the numbers game. but that's about as far as i go in agreeing with Mr.(?) Rushkoff. (sorry, i'm assuming he's a Mr. and not otherwise titled, if he is, my sincerest apologies).
now, to get nit-picky:
first of all, he takes umbrage at being referred to as a lapsed Jew by "NY's official institutions of Judaism". i don't know the exact policy, but i have the general impression that far from saying that he is not a Jew, the institutions and studies that he is referring to say that he is not an affiliated Jew. Perhaps there is an overly strident focus on numbers, but if we choose to blind ourselves to the dwindling numbers, we will never take action to correct it, whatever that action may be. If a Jew is not religiously affiliated with a practicing group, what holds him to being a Jew other than his race and heritage? a latent Jew is a Jew by birth, but lapsed in a greater sense. it's also unclear to me here if he means to implicate Jews or the Jewish institutions, or if he thinks of Jews as the institutions and vice versa.
Now, he says that
"I wrote eight well-received books about what was happening to our culture, and how to navigate its new "do-it-yourself" terrains.
Then, just a few years ago, it occurred to me that Judaism had attempted to do the same thing to religion. The mythical Israelites of the Torah left their idols behind in order to forge a new way of life–one in which they weren’t dependent upon the gods to do everything for them."
If Judaism was do-it-yourself, there would be no codes or rules to live by. (And why refer to the Israelites as mythical?) While we aren’t dependent upon numerous gods to perform good deeds for us, we are quite cognizant of the fact that we rely upon G-d for everything. In Shema, taken straight fromthe Bible in Deuteronomy, 11:13-21, we read the following (this is the translation in my Artscroll siddur. If anyone wants a translation from a different source, I can translate it for you myself):
" And it will come to pass that if you continually hearken to My commandments that I commanded you today, to love Hashem, your God, and to serve Him, with all your heart and with all your soul - then I will provide rain for your land in its proper time, the early and late rains, that you may gather in your grain, your wine, and your oil. I will provide grass in your field for your cattle and you will eat and be satisfied. Beware lest your heart be seduced and you turn astray and serve gods of others and bow to them. Then the wrath of Hashem will blaze against you. He will restrain the heaven so there will be no rain and the ground will not yield its produce. And you will swiftly be banished from the goodly land which Hashem gives you. Place these words of Mine upon your heart and upon your soul; bind them for a sign upon your arm and let them be tefillin between your eyes. Teach them to your children, to discuss them, while you sit in your home, while you walk on the way, when you retire and when you arise. And write them on the doorposts of your house and upon your gates. In order to prolong your days and the days of your children upon the ground that Hashem has sworn to your ancestors to give them, like the days of the heaven on the earth."
Where does he include the commandements in his assesment of the pillars of Judaism? To review, he states them as “continual smashing of your false idols (iconoclasm), a refusal to pretend you know who or what God is (abstract monotheism) and being nice to people (social justice)”. How does he propose Jews serve God without presenting the Mitzvot? Does he think Jews *serve* God? Second, as it states quite clearly here, we are dependent on God to do everything for us. bring rains, provide grass, even to keep us in the land on which we live.
to continue:
"The reason Jews have such a hard time explaining Judaism, "the religion," is that we aren’t about beliefs. "
Now, if Judaism isnt about beliefs, how does one explain the statement that “Judaism boils down to a 3500-year-old debate about what happened on Mount Sinai and what we’re supposed to do about it.” or that “Judaism isn’t a religion at all, but a way human beings can get over religion and into caring about one another.” What are those if not beliefs, the belief that we have an obligation of some sort because of what occured on Mount Sinai and the belief that we are supposed to care about one another?
With all of the good works done by the world-wide Jewish community in the respective countries, cities, and communities in which they reside, how can one say that a Judaism of caring for one another does not exist today? Also keep in mind, as much as we are supposed to be a light to the world, we aren’t necessarily supposed to be converting the world to our way of thought. Judaism is for Jews, and we need to get that part straight before we start applying it to all human beings. As such, the threat of assimilation is a serious one, as is intermarriage. Not because non-Jews are bad, but because, as he should appreciate, that dilutes the message, the chinuch. Someone who wants to sincerely join the Jewish people and take part in our religion is welcomed, and as much as you hate the numbers game, there have been a lot of converts and ba’alei tshuva in the past 30 years. The need to protect the current State of Israel is not a religiously mandated one per se, but largely an emotional one (with some basis in halacha). In fact, it directly relates to his idea that we should care for one another. I’m not sure why he sees this as a negative image - we not only are preserving our homeland, but helping our brothers there.
Rushkoff keeps focusing on Jewish organizations and what they do, where the money goes. What about all the private work done by Jews? The money sent for the Red Cross, cancer research, The March of Dimes, supporting schools and shuls across America and the world that couldn’t continue without the donations from strangers; dont’ any of these factor in for him? What about the volunteer work done? Also, if we begin to define spirituality by eras, then we have no standard to work from regarding what we’re supposed to be doing here. When he cites a people that has turned inward, I think that he is seeing problems which really do exist, and simply misreading them, perhaps due to his lack of familiarity with the scenarios in which they occur. these issues have to be adressed and fixed, but not by taking God out of the picture.
and that right there is the knee jerk reaction that keeps from appreciating much of what he has to say, as much as i'm trying. what is judaism without God? for me, life without God is meaningless, painfully so. humanitarianism for humanity's sake alone seems to me to be somewhat redundant - i feel good helping you, you feel good getting the help. let's scratch each others' backs some more... where's the altruism if all the parties involved are getting something out of it? how about that higher connection, the striving to be close to God?
side note. i read a line in one of his pieces, and i'm so sorry that i don't remember where, but it was abut 4 am at the time, where he made reference to Jews having a commandment to be holy, and that we should be bringing that holiness to the world and sharing it through intermarriage. let's go the source, mythical as it may be.
Leviticus, 19:2: Speak to the entire assembly of the Children if Israel and say to them: You shall be holy, for holy am I, HaShem, your God.
now, for the transliteration, because frankly i've never studied Ta"NaCh in english...
Da'ber 'el-kol-'adath Bnei-Yisra'el v'amarta aleihem kdoshim tih'yu ki kadosh 'ani HaShem Elokeichem
this pasuq, which Rushkoff believes in, is followed by a number of commandments in the next few psukim. Leviticus, 19:5: When you slaughter a feast peace-offering to HaShem, you shall slaughter it to find favor for yourselves.
how does he resolve that with his statement that "I don’t believe in an all-powerful creature with the white beard who rejoices in animal sacrifice."
(more to come, working on Ramban at the moment, so consider this to be part one)
RIAA (techno geeks only, please)
downloading music.
i know i should feel like this is illegal for some reason, but i don't. i grew up taping the radio, making mixes from that, copying tapes and CDs and giving them out to people... but best of all, what DLing has enabled me to do is replace all the albums i've purchased that have either gotten lost, been borrowed indefinitely, or are *ahem* broken.
farkers went nuts over this.
and one of them supplied me with this information:
2003-06-26 12:15:03 AM cke-gt
I took this from here: www.boycott-riaa.com. They took it from somewhere else, but it's all good. More interesting stuff there.
"Since 1992, the U.S. Government has collected a tax on all digital audio recorders and blank digital audio media manufactured in or imported into the US, and gives the money directly to the RIAA companies, which is distributed as royalties to recording artists, copyright owners, music publishers, and music writers.
In exchange for those royalties, a special exemption to the copyright law was made for the specific case of audio recordings, and as a result *ALL* noncommercial copying of musical recordings by consumers is now legal in the US, regardless of media.
No action may be brought under this title alleging infringement of copyright based on the manufacture, importation, or distribution of a digital audio recording device, a digital audio recording medium, an analog recording device, or an analog recording medium, or based on the noncommercial use by a consumer of such a device or medium for making digital musical recordings or analog musical recordings."
rejoined by:
2003-06-26 12:24:45 AM nfg05
yea donno if anyone's pointed this out yet, but the Home Recording Act (of 1992, i believe) only applies to analog media so it doesn't have much bearing on file trading.
so, i don't know what to make of all this. i sadly do not have a degree in law or a career in the music business.
i like this idea, though:
2003-06-26 12:01:56 AM Garanimal
I say people stop trading music online and start music appreciation clubs that pool their own libraries, then expand by sharing with other libraries, millions of burned DVD-roms changing hands, no downloading...
/never leave a paper trail...leave no trace...
but there's some cool stuff going on with p2p:
2003-06-26 12:25:52 AM Otterboy
faethe
Check out something like freenet. Encrypted p2p is becoming more popular, along with closed systems like Waste.
2003-06-26 12:34:40 AM faethe
Otterboy
Freenet? I will google that for sure. Encrypted p2p sounds like a decent alternative, as in they don't *know* what you are downloading. However, your isp, justby tracking your activity, obviously knows you are doing *something*. By tracking the addresses of the sites you address, which they surely must store somewhere in a history, no doubt they can figure that you are visiting "x" site. The only way they can get a warrant, I figure, is by proving that you are downloading illegal music. Now how do they do *that* without the p2p's co-operation? because if they can do that, then anything you do is pointless...
2003-06-26 12:40:31 AM wombatronic
faethe :
The point of Freenet is that the content is encrypted and placed on other hosts. Hosts don't actually know what they have, and (if done right) you get the content indirectly, so you don't really know who had it anyhow.
The whole idea is to have the content available, but protect the anonymity of the requester and provider. I don't know how serious the anonymity is, but there are CS PhDs working on these sort of problems. It will happen, and the RIAA won't be able to do much about it. Math rules that way.
conclusion? the RIAA is basically pissing off a lot of people, specifically the people who give the companies they represent a *lot* of money. methinks this is a bad idea. i have to agree with the Farker that said that they're going to get laughed out of court when they show up suing (he said 50,000, but i'm an optimist) close to a million people. i happily spend money on music. but the RIAA needs to grow up. dude, they tried to illegalize the re-selling of CDs. do you know what that would do to the prices we already find to be exorbitant?
anyhow, this monkey needs to get some sleep before two little monkeys come to wake her up bright and early tomorrow. : ) babysitting for my niece and nephew - rockin'!
i know i should feel like this is illegal for some reason, but i don't. i grew up taping the radio, making mixes from that, copying tapes and CDs and giving them out to people... but best of all, what DLing has enabled me to do is replace all the albums i've purchased that have either gotten lost, been borrowed indefinitely, or are *ahem* broken.
farkers went nuts over this.
and one of them supplied me with this information:
2003-06-26 12:15:03 AM cke-gt
I took this from here: www.boycott-riaa.com. They took it from somewhere else, but it's all good. More interesting stuff there.
"Since 1992, the U.S. Government has collected a tax on all digital audio recorders and blank digital audio media manufactured in or imported into the US, and gives the money directly to the RIAA companies, which is distributed as royalties to recording artists, copyright owners, music publishers, and music writers.
In exchange for those royalties, a special exemption to the copyright law was made for the specific case of audio recordings, and as a result *ALL* noncommercial copying of musical recordings by consumers is now legal in the US, regardless of media.
No action may be brought under this title alleging infringement of copyright based on the manufacture, importation, or distribution of a digital audio recording device, a digital audio recording medium, an analog recording device, or an analog recording medium, or based on the noncommercial use by a consumer of such a device or medium for making digital musical recordings or analog musical recordings."
rejoined by:
2003-06-26 12:24:45 AM nfg05
yea donno if anyone's pointed this out yet, but the Home Recording Act (of 1992, i believe) only applies to analog media so it doesn't have much bearing on file trading.
so, i don't know what to make of all this. i sadly do not have a degree in law or a career in the music business.
i like this idea, though:
2003-06-26 12:01:56 AM Garanimal
I say people stop trading music online and start music appreciation clubs that pool their own libraries, then expand by sharing with other libraries, millions of burned DVD-roms changing hands, no downloading...
/never leave a paper trail...leave no trace...
but there's some cool stuff going on with p2p:
2003-06-26 12:25:52 AM Otterboy
faethe
Check out something like freenet. Encrypted p2p is becoming more popular, along with closed systems like Waste.
2003-06-26 12:34:40 AM faethe
Otterboy
Freenet? I will google that for sure. Encrypted p2p sounds like a decent alternative, as in they don't *know* what you are downloading. However, your isp, justby tracking your activity, obviously knows you are doing *something*. By tracking the addresses of the sites you address, which they surely must store somewhere in a history, no doubt they can figure that you are visiting "x" site. The only way they can get a warrant, I figure, is by proving that you are downloading illegal music. Now how do they do *that* without the p2p's co-operation? because if they can do that, then anything you do is pointless...
2003-06-26 12:40:31 AM wombatronic
faethe :
The point of Freenet is that the content is encrypted and placed on other hosts. Hosts don't actually know what they have, and (if done right) you get the content indirectly, so you don't really know who had it anyhow.
The whole idea is to have the content available, but protect the anonymity of the requester and provider. I don't know how serious the anonymity is, but there are CS PhDs working on these sort of problems. It will happen, and the RIAA won't be able to do much about it. Math rules that way.
conclusion? the RIAA is basically pissing off a lot of people, specifically the people who give the companies they represent a *lot* of money. methinks this is a bad idea. i have to agree with the Farker that said that they're going to get laughed out of court when they show up suing (he said 50,000, but i'm an optimist) close to a million people. i happily spend money on music. but the RIAA needs to grow up. dude, they tried to illegalize the re-selling of CDs. do you know what that would do to the prices we already find to be exorbitant?
anyhow, this monkey needs to get some sleep before two little monkeys come to wake her up bright and early tomorrow. : ) babysitting for my niece and nephew - rockin'!
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
only in hicktown
can you walk into the classic rock station, tell them you're their biggest fan, ask for a job, and get hired.
can you IM the alternative station with your requests for the evening.
can you have friends come for shabbat and randomly call your neighbors to use their bedrooms. and they tell you "come in whenever, the door's open."
did i mention that today as i was walking to the kitchen i decided to look outside and caught a cardinal flying across my yard? beautiful blur of burgundy.
radiohead, creep is playing. this is adding to my happy mood, and it shouldn't, but hey. no complaints. : )
can you IM the alternative station with your requests for the evening.
can you have friends come for shabbat and randomly call your neighbors to use their bedrooms. and they tell you "come in whenever, the door's open."
did i mention that today as i was walking to the kitchen i decided to look outside and caught a cardinal flying across my yard? beautiful blur of burgundy.
radiohead, creep is playing. this is adding to my happy mood, and it shouldn't, but hey. no complaints. : )
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
summertime
and the sleeping is easy...
of course! cause i have no job yet. he he.
listening to the radio for the first time in ages (thanks bronstein). weird... there's that new metallica stuff out. i don't think i'll ever get over what they did with napster enough to like their new stuff. i'm immature! well, holding a grudge at the very least.
i really need to come up with something that i'm going to do with my life. somehting that interests me, not just that i could do. cause i could do just about anything. but none of it seems to capture me, except things that will never allow to make money, like sculpting. aaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!!!!!!!
my cousin's wedding was fantastic. it was really beautiful, and so leibedik (how do you *spell* that in english?). i don't really know my cousin so well cause i haven't lived here since she was 10, but it was amazing to watch her and her friends. there was so much love and pure joy there. *happy dani* and only 13 people wished me 'im"H by you'. i think it's a combination of me ducking and them giving up on me. : )
i have to go pretend that i'm unpacking and organizing. boo on moving.
of course! cause i have no job yet. he he.
listening to the radio for the first time in ages (thanks bronstein). weird... there's that new metallica stuff out. i don't think i'll ever get over what they did with napster enough to like their new stuff. i'm immature! well, holding a grudge at the very least.
i really need to come up with something that i'm going to do with my life. somehting that interests me, not just that i could do. cause i could do just about anything. but none of it seems to capture me, except things that will never allow to make money, like sculpting. aaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!!!!!!!
my cousin's wedding was fantastic. it was really beautiful, and so leibedik (how do you *spell* that in english?). i don't really know my cousin so well cause i haven't lived here since she was 10, but it was amazing to watch her and her friends. there was so much love and pure joy there. *happy dani* and only 13 people wished me 'im"H by you'. i think it's a combination of me ducking and them giving up on me. : )
i have to go pretend that i'm unpacking and organizing. boo on moving.
Monday, June 23, 2003
dedicated to no one in particular
Love will abide
Take things in stride
Sounds like good advice
But there's no one at my side
And time washes clean
Love's wounds unseen
That's what someone told me
But I don't know what it means
Cause I've done everything I know
To try and make you mine
And I think I'm gonna love you
For a long, long time
Caught in my fears
Blinking back the tears
I can't say you hurt me
When you never let me near
And I never drew
One response from you
All the while you fell
Over girls you never knew
Cause I've done everything I know
To try and make you mine
And I think it's gonna hurt me
For a long, long time
Wait for the day
You'll go away
Knowing that you warned me
Of the price I'd have to pay
And life's full of loss
Who knows the cost
Living in the memory
Of a love that never was
Cause I've done everything I know
To try and change your mind
AndI think I'm gonna miss you
For a long, long time
Cause I've done everything I know
To try and make you mine
And I think I'm gonna love you
For a long, long time
Take things in stride
Sounds like good advice
But there's no one at my side
And time washes clean
Love's wounds unseen
That's what someone told me
But I don't know what it means
Cause I've done everything I know
To try and make you mine
And I think I'm gonna love you
For a long, long time
Caught in my fears
Blinking back the tears
I can't say you hurt me
When you never let me near
And I never drew
One response from you
All the while you fell
Over girls you never knew
Cause I've done everything I know
To try and make you mine
And I think it's gonna hurt me
For a long, long time
Wait for the day
You'll go away
Knowing that you warned me
Of the price I'd have to pay
And life's full of loss
Who knows the cost
Living in the memory
Of a love that never was
Cause I've done everything I know
To try and change your mind
AndI think I'm gonna miss you
For a long, long time
Cause I've done everything I know
To try and make you mine
And I think I'm gonna love you
For a long, long time
Sunday, June 22, 2003
somewhat uneasy
so, i'm a bit uncertain about what's going to be happening in my life. looking for a job in PA (yay!), although first i get to go to my cousin's wedding tomorrow. 19 years old, marrying a guy she's known for a few months, i believe. that's cool. i finally know his name. yay me! watch me forget it tomorrow. but i know for sure his last name is lefkowitz. phew.
i am supposed to be in bed. my parents have given me a bed time. it was 2 hours ago. think they'll ground me? oh, this is funnier than you know - i haven't lived with them since i was 14. this is gonna be a wild, wild summer. woohoo!!!!!!
gah.
i am supposed to be in bed. my parents have given me a bed time. it was 2 hours ago. think they'll ground me? oh, this is funnier than you know - i haven't lived with them since i was 14. this is gonna be a wild, wild summer. woohoo!!!!!!
gah.
Monday, June 16, 2003
just write whatever you feel
i feel sad and empty and alone. unappreciated and unwanted. i feel used and old and so very brittle. i have to wonder why it is that so many people in my life are able to ask so much of me and not return it in any form. how so many people are comfortable asking me to care and never reciprocating. don't they see that the more they hurt me the harder it gets for me to open up again? and that each time the pain gets worse and worse, until one day it'll push me over the edge? and i'll be deadwood, cold, and unfeeling. uncaring. just like them. who will they have left to turn to then?
i have to wonder if i'm a bad person, or if i've hurt people terribly. i believe in a karma-esque world, what goes around comes around and all that. did someone open up to me once, help me, trust me, confide in me, only to have me walk away? the answer is a resolute yes. there are three people that i know i have hurt. maybe this can't end until i track each one down, and fully apologize for it. maybe even then it will never be over... i need to hide from the world a bit, bury my head in the sand. the nice thing with sand is that you can't tell if it's wet from tears or from the ocean.
i'll be fine. i always am. amazing resiliency...
talking to myself
i've decided that i'm going to move somewhere else. maybe scranton for the summer. : ) i like the idea of living somewhere else. if i decide not to go to art school, i may just take the leap and make aliya, being as there's nothing keeping me here anyhow. it's fascinating how when you have every option open it's impossible to make a decision.
must go stop the heart attack that i feel about to strike.
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
party at my house!
woohoo! welcome to my life - i am officially unemployed. can you believe it? i can't. so i'm thinking i should throw parties and charge y'all for coming, like 5 bucks a pop, and i could make some money and stuff... was i really accused of being a deep thinker once? hard to remember...
anyhow, i'm gonna bounce and play some guitar. pronounced gee-tar for all you who don't know. *big grin* much amore.
call me if you're in town! i got nothing to do all day other than beg ppl to emply me
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