kiss me

a one minute kiss burns 26 calories


a person spends about 2 weeks of his or her life kissing


a person spends about 2 weeks of his or her life waiting for traffic lights to change.  puts things in perspective, huh?  i would have thought kissing merited more time than waiting for the light to change.  sad.  i think maybe i'll be a kissing advocate.  "fair time for kissing!"  stupid traffic lights


does that count just waiting while driving, or passengering too?


and i want to know if that counts when walking, too


if i were going to make the numbers up, it'd be that you spend 2 weeks on traffic lights, and 2 years on kissing.  (that's a lot of kissing)  and a one-minute kiss would burn 100 calories. not a puny 26.  kissing is nicer than waiting for traffic lights.  (that's a lot of kissing).  unless you kiss as you wait...  then you can wait and get a workout all at the same time

thanksgiving update

funny, mix of adam sandler's thanksgiving song and weekend update, totally by accident.

anyhow.  to catch everyone up - on weds my friend ari came and picked me up.  we drove to NYC, straight to city college where i start getting stuff ready for school for next semester.  then we went to someone's apt, and chilled there, barely sleeping tat night, of course. and eating a ridiculous amt of cake.  agh, getting fat.  but it was damn good.

thursday morning was the football game.  eizeh kef bishvil dani.  got some great pics on ari's and benyomin's cameras, hoping they actually develop them at some point.  from there we went to brooklyn, to orly, for thanksgiving dinner.  dinner was great, the company was fantastic.  then we went out to see love, actually (review was posted yesterday).

friday i headed of to queens, to my cousins'.  more kef.  and motz"ash i went off to the city to see a friend, and once again barely slept.  then i came back to scranton today.

if you want details, you'll have to ask pointed questions.  thanks, and goodbye.

movie review: love, actually

Someone is trying to have a thought.  please bear with us:

I was sort of thinking about how Pulp Fiction marked, at least in America, the beginning of the multiple-storyline-fractured-narrative movie when the Brits are the ones that really do the best jobs with it.  Take Gosford Park.  Thousands of characters, millions of plotlines intersecting, and it all sort of made sense by the end.  So...Love Actually wasn't quite on that level in terms of complexity (there were only 11 couples (dani thinks 12, but she's just wrong.  claudia schiffer was the resolution of a different relationship, not half a relationship in her own right) as opposed to the millions in GP) or ingenuity of plotlines (after all, LA was essentially a glorified chickflick).  Still, watching the various plotlines and personalities unfold and intersect was still more entertaining than the actual plots themselves.  Talk about form over substance.

Even better, Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean, Black Adder, et al) looms over the movie like a sort of a demigod, swooping down twice when his intervention was required at key plot turning points.  He wasn't at his top form (in his real-life role he's Funniest Man Alive, after all), but, well, he is Rowan Atkinson, and he's in a movie, and I saw it, so all is well with the universe.  And, he played his roles perfectly.  Funny, slightly off-putting, and so totally himself.

 

dani: i liked the movie.  i suggest that if you have a sense of humor and some tolerance for sappiness, you see it, and enjoy it.  shavua tov, everybody.  <singing> i feel it in my fingers, i feel it in my toes...

disclaimer: i do not endorse watching nakedness and soft porn.  but they give you plenty of time to look away.  and it's great for the whole "let me gaze into your eyes instead of sitting next to you and staring at a huge flickering screen" moment that we all take so rarely.

happiness is...

a comfortable shabbat with your cousins. a brisk walk in the biting breeze. falling deeply into a mattress, and into sleep. debating issues to get to know what others think, not to fight or try to resolve them. kissing your cousin with a loud smacking noise while she's washing dishes and then stepping back to watch the grin spread over her so-familiar and now so-grown up face. moving back to NY.

d & g

on the subway today i realized that if i needed to write a personal, it would go something like this:

wide-eyes romantic seeks soft-spoken cynic to share sense of the absurd. must love learning, reading, music, and movies. appreciation of random british humor a plus. super-heroes, LA gear, and a coffee habit - if you've got them, i think you're cute.

argh

throwing pillows at girls is very rude.  and entirely inappropriate.  as is letting them get tackled and tickled when they're just trying to blind someone with a blue beam of painful light.

(you are so fired)

NY NY

once again, i'm in NY, this time bearing pumpkin pie, mini-cakes, and canollis.  fun and excitement abound.  i shouldbe going to watch the balloons get blown up tonight, and by blown up i mean filled, but i'm not sure if i'm in the mood for extended socializing. ok, i know i'm not, but i said i would go, and therefore i should.  gah.  stupid ethics.

and tackle football in the morning, always entertaining to watch my friends try to kill one another.  what a brilliant holiday.

torat chaim, feb 3, 1999

i'm cleaning up my room and finding all kinds of bits and pieces.

some notes from a class called Torat Chaim that i'd like to share:

These are relationship tips from a class I took with an amazing woman.  They work with every relationship, but were given to us framed in reference to marriage.  I’ve found them to be helpful in all kinds of situations, and wanted to share.

 

Criticism

It’s never comfortable to give criticism.

• “I” messages
  
• Never criticize in public, even in a kidding way.
  
• Tone of voice - non-aggressive, not necessarily direct.
  
• Show that you care
  
• Pick your moment
  
• Wait til you calm down a little
  
• Be sure you’re in a position to say it
  
• Stick to your topic
  
• Say ‘it’ not ‘you’
  
• Don’t generalize
  
• Cushion it.

Don’t over do it

Don’t only before you’re going to criticize

• Work with him on giving/receiving positive feedback.  Make it a way of life.

Don’t get nervous or frightened.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood

• Don’t jump
  
• Don’t nag

You want to be the one he tells his worries/fears/dreams to.  You want to be his outlet, be there for him.

 

Benefit of the doubt.  Easier to judge favorably if you’re not so close.  Ask “what happened”, not “where were you”.

 

Disagreement

• Never generalize – you’re bringing in too much to deal with
  
• Don’t be offensive; they’ll get defensive
  
• If the other is generalizing, point it out.  “Let’s not generalize.”
  
• Reason it out without insults.

Trying to stop someone from insulting you by insulting them is like throwing oil on a fire to put it out

• Be aware not to respond tit for tat.  Don’t just let it go, but don’t answer in the same way.  Use sensitivity.

Effective communication takes work.

• If a person has difficulty understanding you, don’t repeat it in the same way.  The message is “I don’t care if you understand, I just want to express myself.”
  
• Don’t say that something is ridiculous – ask what they mean.

 

And that’s where my notes end… bell must have rung.

80's again

quiz time!

kiruv 2

i was going to post this in the comments, but i figure more ppl would see it if it's here:

the response i've been getting from this post has been overwhelming.  i wasn't expecting this.  um...  it's really cool and eye opening to see that a lot of people are into the idea of making Judaism and Jewish learning more communal than it is.  it makes me happy, cause i sometimes feel like a voice coming out of left field.

this is one of those topics where i'm hearing from friends from the entire jewish spectrum saying "yeah, we agree, we want that".  ok, maybe this is the *only* topic where i've seen a response like that.

so...  who wants to join me in a once a week 'something' as of january when i'm back in NYC?

farkers strike again

2003-11-25 12:29:17 PM

Big_Bad_Dad

Speech my dad gave us often
Now listen kids, here's the scoop. You're a bunch of little humans that have no rights when it comes to making decisions for yourselves. That is why I am here. Others may not think I am the best or the brightest but I am as far as you are concerned. I am the law. I make the rules and you will follow them. When you are at school or anywhere in public, act as if I am standing right behind you, watching your every move. Because in essence, I am watching every move you make. And always treat your mother as if she were a godess. Do all thse things and you will be a very successful person and may live to see adulthood. When it is your turn to make the rules. I love you. Now go outside and play.

 

 

  -- must.  memorize. speech. --

zero tolerance bites the dust

zero tolerance, one of those plans that as you first heard about it you started making worst case scenario jokes...  well, that worst case sceario is here.

is it time to start using brains when creating policy yet?

2003-11-25 12:19:49 PM

Woodchipper

Obituary: Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.

Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness.

For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second.

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including feminism, body piercing, whole language and "new math."

But his health declined when he became infected with the "If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal regulation.

He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers and enlightened auditors. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies, reports of six-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the parent when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for asbestos, low flow toilets, "smart" guns, the nurturing of Prohibition Laws and mandatory air bags.

Finally when told that the homeowners association restricted exterior furniture only to that which enhanced property values, he breathed his last.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers: Rights, Tolerance and Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

cool news!

7000 total hits, 2500 this month, as of just now.  literally, in the past 40 minutes.

and i'm moving back to the heights!  yay yay!

last thing you'll ever see

pennies

i like money.  i like web sites about money.

shockity shock shock

Which Animaniacs Character are You?

You're cute! And, when you're not, it's not pretty. Sure, you like girly stuff, like pink frilly outfits, flowers, adorable baby animals, tiny boxes that you can't fit anything in, and tiny doll-sized clothing, but you're also quite the firebrand! People who scorn you, and just plain stupid people who get in your way, often pay dearly. You are nearly as likely to jump up and kiss someone as to drop an anvil on someone's head! You are not the sort to be trifled with. You are, after all, Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Bo Besca, the Third.
Click here to see my Livejournal.

kiruv

the community i live in does not sanction kiruv.  the thinking is that as long as each (frum) family takes cares of its own, and keeps those kids frum, they have no further obligation into the community.  and if a kid gets lost along the way, there's a bit of shame and gossip involved, but not much more.  as far as the kids who don't grow up in an orthodox home, there's no means of learning.  we have a day school that keeps going more and more to the right (they want to split the boys and girls in kindergarten in a community where a big grade is 15 kids; as a child i was yelled at for singing hatikva), making anyone not yeshivish feel v unwelcome.  we have a bais yakov which in my day consisted of 13 girls in 3 grades and one classroom (oh, but we had uniforms.  G-d forbid we ease up on the ugly parochial school uniforms!).  we have a yeshiva which has a history of poor secular education and encouraging students to cut off contact with their less frum families (although the parents were still expected to provide tuition).  we have a kollel.  we have no NCSY chapter, a USY chapter, one Rabbi who learns with the non-Orthodox community, a Talmud Torah run by the Conservative temple...  there is v clear and v sharp line between frum and frei.

people speak of kiruv in general lofty terms.  but what do they mean by it?  do they mean giving people a background in Judaism?  a doorway into experiencing a full Shabbat?    a way of relating to history and therefore having a stronger Jewish identity?

in my (limited) experience, i have found that the actual meaning of kiruv to most people is "i will take this nebbuch of a not-frum person, and educate him or her to be holding exactly where i am, cause that's takkeh frum".  people say that they embrace chozrei b'tshuva, but i have seen people become more religious without going as far to the right as the people who brought them in, and they are shunned.  they are made to feel that all of their accomplishments aren't worth anything.  and why?  are they shomrei shabbat and kashrut?  yes.  do they actively pursue a halachic life?  yes.  do they try to grow and improve their relationship with G-d?  yes.  so what's the issue?

to put it bluntly, from the perspective of some rebbeim and educators and even kiruv organizations, unless the person becomes chareidi, chassidish, or otherwise a carbon copy of whoever is doing the 'outreach', they have failed.  not only is this totally insane, but the implications of how they view the rest of the Orthodox world and general Jewish society is staggering.

in my ideal world in my head, everyone who learned about Judaism would choose to practice it actively, and to be Orthodox on some level.  but realistically, what i would love is for people to have the opportunity to learn, and then figure out where they are.  imagine the opportunities we could have!  picture a yeshiva where people come from all backgrounds and learn together, and walk out as individuals, each with their own way of understanding and relating to Torah.  can you see how tremendous it would be for me to sit and have a chavrusa with my Conseravtive cousin and my Munkaczer cousin?  to learn Torah and halacha and hashkafa together, and understand and respect each other's differences?

kiruv can not be about making the person achieve some ideal set in somebody's head.  it has to be about letting people learn, and decide who they are, and how Judaism factors into that.  i think Judaism is so beautiful, so open, with a place for every person and every interest.  well, almost every interest.  *grin*.  when i envision my children, i see them anywhere from chareidi with seamed stockings and pillboxes over their sheitels to fully MO, from yeshivish to hardcore tzioni.  as long as each of them becomes who they are meant to be, and does it from the heart, the soul.

that being said, it saddens me that such a resource of active Jewish living such as my (Ortho) community is cut off from the rest of the Jewish community here.  there is instead resentment, judgement, an absolute inability to communicate on any level past pat pleasantries.  we should all be part of one big Jewish community, where we learn about each other, and feel like a family - not agreeing or approving of everything the other does, but helping and teaching and learning.

funny song to quote from, but still, he did have a point:

Imagine all the people

Living life in peace

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

so

my weekend.  it was so v good.  the ride on thursday was great, i had so much fun with Mrs. Fink.  then i hung out @ YU-town, and i have to say - i'm pretty pissed off about the way i've been treated buyt this school.  sorry to interrupt all the happiness with a mini-rant, but i'm tired of a certain dean treating me how she likes somply because she's in the mood, even when it totally flies in the face of school policy.

so i hung out in the library for bit, which was nice - i've missed 5a, my old stomping grounds.  then i met up with a friend, and we wandered off to watch boondock, but stopped in all of the excitement of meredith coming over.  then we randomly stayed up til 3, when we stopped being up.  ah.  friday i slept straight through my wake up call, then woke up and promptly thought "huh, i dimly recall hearing a phone ring...  somewhere."  then i bought stuff and cooked stuff, some of it all the way to being edible, and setup for shabbat dinner and my lovely 'guest-ies' (considering i was staying @ someone else's apt, and all).  we were up til 1 am, eating yummy scranton-made dessert and gummi fish/cherries.  then sleep.  in fact, i slept so nicely that i missed leining.  whoops.  got there in time for the last pasuk.  <bad dani!>

then my friend and i ran away for lunch at other friends of mine, and we had a v fun time.  and won @ trivial pursuit, with a little communal cheating at the end ("oh, look, you rolled a 3.  go for the wedge.  just go for it, dammit!").  yay smartness.  we actually hung out til after havdalla, which was v fun(ny).  i always have a good time when i go to visit them.

saturday night we decided that we absolutely had to eat strawberries and whipped cream.  i can not tell you of the over-indulgence, it was sickening.  let me just say that afterwards, we managed to consume popcorn, pizza, and french fries.  and within the hour, i was back in bed.  yes, i think i do have a death wish, why do you ask?

and today was just crazy.  i checked out an apt that looks great, really sweet/frum/normal/cool girls (define that how you like, i doubt it will agree with my definitions, mostly cause i feel like being oppositional right now).

i ended up having to leave NY today instead of staying through tomorrow.  stupid rides and situations and other badness.  but i'll be back on weds for a macy's day parade balloon blowing party.  yay yay.  and then a football game, and the se'udah (did i really just call it the se'udah?), and then...  who knows?  <evil laughter>

MUST TO SLEEP.  gnight

pass the inhaler

ephy catches another scary piece of news...

wow, cool

i'm not sure who runs this site, but how v cool that i'm linked to it.  thanks!

i have been remiss

i apparently am not as good at being a best friend as i thought i was.  jessica, my best friend, has a blog, and for some reason i never linked to it.  maybe if ppl start leaving her comments, things like "spike rocks", and "redheads should wear pink", she'll be inspired to post more.

maybe not.

or you can tell her the truth, that she's got enough ego to fill the web, and she should start sharing some of her lofty opinions with us pleebs.  or some such...  haha.  T-Nibbler!

: )

i'm back, i'm planning out life, it's v fun, and i had a wonderful shabbat.  hm, what else can i tell  you?  it helps to pay attention to when you put the chicken in the oven, because otherwise it may end up not 100% cooked when you take it out.  <blush>

also, having an eiruv rocks, rainbows are COOL, and i still want a grumpy care bear.  a big one.

as we long suspected

the picture's not loading, but suffice it to say, i came up as Gay Bear on the Dysfunctional Care Bear quiz.  as did my boyfriend.

i'm an athlete

funniest SNL sketch ever.

"those little chocolate donuts give me just the kick of sugar I need to get me going in the morning."

and i don't want to hear any comparisons between this genius and chris farley, got it?

rawk

ok, stupid, but i was offered coffe, and i said yes, primarily because capuccino is a huge weakness for me, heavily influenced by who was doing the offering.  i got a ride into NY today with a woman from scranton who grew up in italy during the war and is ridic cool and we had a great time together, even stopped on the way to shop.  la.  so now i'm all hyper and bouncy and exceedingly happy and it's funktastic (thanks for the word,mottels, i use it all the time), and i'm still kinda annoyed at YU for being arseholes, but i'll get over it.

apprently milan is the place to be in august/sept, or venice.  or tuscany.  or anywhere in italy.  remind me of this when i have time and money.

angel

was fantastic tonight.

angel, spike, spike, angel.  ahhhhh!  how do you decide?

hm

i accidentally caught the tail end of smallville while waiting for angel just now, and they were playing johnny cash's cover of NIN's hurt, which reminded me that i think it's a fantastic cover, and e/o should hear it.

also, a little late, but did e/o get their flu shots?

big news - i went for a blood test and i didn't pass out!  as some of you may recall, right before tisha b'av i had to get 5 vials drawn, and i passed out and had a seizure and totally freaked out the nurse who was attending me.  or so she said.  al i know is i woke up feeling v peaceful and rested (as i usually do after having my blood drawn), and then i felt nauseous later, and that's all i remember.  they were not thrilled to see me this morning.  yay for not passing out!

ubersmart

attack of the genius people!  my friend zvi's blog is newly operational, should be pithy if not incisive (his word, not mine),  so, a big welcome to zvi rosen for (belatedly) joining the blogging world.  i feel like she-ra, princess of power.  not sure why.

um, 3 hours?

mindlessly wide-eyed and awake at close to 5 this morning, i found myself v annoyed with a world in which my friends on the west coast had given up on me and gone to sleep, my friends in england and israel were at work or school, and my east coatsers were a few hours away still from waking for minyan.  in my frustration, i stopped the music on my laptop, put it down, and curled up on the couch to think about what i'd rather be doing than trying to sleep.

i have no wondrous conclusion for you, because next i knew it was painfully-early-in-the-morning o'clock, and here i am, the walking-dead looking.  you know what i mean.  eyes a little glazed, slightly bloodshot, when i walk i feel a little sick...  thank G-d i don't operate machinery any heavier than an iMac.  fun to start the morning with de-phazz, mambo craze.  hee hee.  i swear, if music can't wake me up, nothing can.  damn those caffiene gods and their dangerously addictive ways!  this is their revenge for my utter rejection of the life they tantalizingly dangled before me.  <dreaming of cappucino>

perfect girlfriend?

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
places. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

quick addendum - i like flowers every once in a while (thanks for reminding me, meredith).  specifically of the sunflower/daisy variety, but anything will do.

scenes from stern, nov. 13, 2002

In a small, enclosed area, six students sit together on love seats and ignore each other’s presence. Discarded snack bags are laying on the table next to the leftovers from someone’s dinner. The smell of mustard permeates the air. The students in the room are standing or sitting quietly. All that can be heard is the occasional sound of gum chewing, someone sipping water, and soda machines rumbling. Above all these, however, blares the television, which has so enraptured the students. Security and other students pass through the room, mostly silent, other than one interchange – a girl walks and greets her friend quickly, “Hey, how are you?” and leaves before getting a response. There is no verbal communication between the six whatsoever, yet there is still something that connects all of these students to each other. The silence stretches, long and grave. There is a heaviness of emotion that is felt in their silence, a reaction to the show they are watching. It’s as if an agreement was reached non-verbally that they all will sit as a group and feel it together. Suddenly there is a hum of action, the mood is broken, and a student leaves. A commercial has come on, and the six students separate once again into individuals and move on. 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

The cafeteria is brightly lit, yet still claustrophobia inducing. It smells of greasy food. Conversation bounces off of the walls and pillars. Joyce sits at a register, greeting the people who approach her to check out with their food. The students come near with their food in hand, set it down, and say just enough to pay for their dinner. “Chicken”, or “French fries”, is all that they’ll share. Joyce enters the amounts into the register as she says, “Hey, how are you? How are your midterms treating you?” Most of the students don’t respond to her. Two students, Carla and Tzipa, stop to chat for a moment, but most of the girls only speak to each other. Joyce starts talking to Esther, who works at the other register, and the two of them strike up a conversation until the phone rings. Joyce has to answer it. “I get to work the parties,” Joyce says, “I get to cater.” The students keep moving by her silently, never noticing that she is more than an extension of a machine. “I try to talk to everybody,” she says. “I want to know how they are, and make sure that life isn't over-whelming them.”

how cool

thanks to avraham for telling me about this conference, which i will try to catch at least part of while i'm in israel.  ISRAEL!  yeah, it's been way too long, more about that in the morning.

ah, bayla

me: i want you to search our auras
me: and be happy with me
me: : )
b-bop: i want to yayayayayayayaya!
me: and we can dance like shooting flame through out the streets
b-bop: whooohooo!

what a beautiful person i have as a friend.  *grin*  i missed you, red.  welcome back.  i like who i am when i talk to you.

is the noise in my head bothering you?

about to take a nap, and i want to tell everyone something.  i miss NY.  i wish i were there.  from the gray streets to the rushing droning subways, the traffic, and the unavoidable stench of people...

sarah mclachlan, rainbow connection:

Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows,
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions,
they're only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to
believe it.
But I know they're wrong, wait and see.

Someday we'll find it,
The Rainbow Connection,
the lovers, the dreamers and me...

Who said that every wish
would be heard and answered
when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that,
and someone believed it,
and look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing,
that keeps us star gazing,
what do we think we might see?

Someday we'll find it
That Rainbow Connection
The lovers the dreamers and me

All of us under its spell; we know that it's probaby magic.

Have you been half asleep?
And have you heard voices?
Yes, I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that calls
The young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it -
There's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

lalaliladadaladidaladida...  ooooooooooh

tired girl, head down, drifting, dreaming.

that was wrong

it has been brought to my attention that due to my lack of sleeping, i've been typing such things as "will kiss your ass" instead of "will kick your ass", which as you may know has a slightly different connotation.

this, then, is my formal apology for saying/typing things that don't, technically, make sense in english.  i don't mean to confuse you or lose you or even offend you, except for the times when i do mean to.  because that's just fun to me.  but other than that, i did not mean to imply some of the things i have seemingly stated.

thank you for understanding.  or not, but letting it go.

sometimes

things come when you're not expecting them on any level. all you can do is embrace it and run with it and see what it becomes. it can be beautiful, and so worthwhile that you look back and wonder why it seemed such a big deal that you were caught unawares. maybe i was wrong and i do like roller coasters after all. i was always a water ride girl - i liked the security. now i see what i've missed out on by not taking chances

shallow

i have this weird way of shopping.  it's a bit of an obsession.  if i walk into a store with light blue shirts, sweaters, hats, or scarves, i have to take them each, one by one, hold then across my face, and see if they match my eyes.  i've been doing it for a few years now, and i think it has gotten kinda old for those around me (part of why i love to shop alone).  i feel like it's egotistical, but on the Grand Scale of egoism, it barely registers.  i like my eyes.  they're my favorite feature.  so if i want them to stand out, they'll stand out, dammit!

sometimes i realize i could look so good all of the time.  then i realize that i don't care enough, which may be why i prefer dressing and shopping for other people.  so instead, i have all these baby blue hats, scarves, sweatshirts, sweaters, tee shirts, button downs, crewnecks...  i've yet to find the absolute match, but that's probably because my eyes change with my moods.  they're bright and clear blue when i'm tired or sick.  grey when i'm sad.  green when i'm excited.  and a lovely mix of the 3 when i'm just me.  that's all i've noticed, at least.  why do i care?  i'm not sure.  but i do.

and i think i expect you to, as well.

the big news on friday

i met my first anonymous reader.  way cool, btw.  jon - it was cool to meet you, sorry i was in a rush.  thanks for reading, thanks for enjoying.  : )

i have to go float, plan, and dream.  good night, dears.

plugging away

as ephshap has been pounding into our heads, he always has the latest news.   he is also fascinated by www.newyorksaysthankyou.org, the fire relief effort inspired bya 5 year old.

check out his site - newly redesigned, latest news...  and totally ironic commentary.  who can ask for more?

cutbacks

(thanks to jason rife, valiantly making fun of his corps in the air force out in arizona)

grumpy teaches us not to frown

college is for ha ha

kicking the funny around at ilan's blog.  btw, didn't you spell that elon when we were little?

day time TV sucks

music in my head right now:

little hershey kisses have big big chocolate!  (it's a great song, really.  sing it to yourself a few times).  trivia question: which painter is responsible for the work "American Gothic"?

ok, now i'm hungry and will go ravaging for food.  oh!  speaking of - noshaholic over here ate her way through moztei shabbat, one food type per movie watched.  pizza bagels, popcorn, raisinettes, and ice cream.  and i somehow have lost 6 pounds since i last checked.  funny!  i think my new diet may be no sleep and a lot of junk food.

shabbat

so, yes, i had possibly the best weekend ever.  i went to NY on thursday, went to stern, do't want to talk about it, went uptown and met someone for dinner.  then we went to my friends' apt, and watched yet anohter movie with a great rep taht is absolute crap.  well, truth be told, we kinda stopped watching and started talking instead, like all smart people do during realy bad movie with obvious plot twists and bad acting.

friday we went to Penn with a bunch of the chevra, and had an amazing shabbat.  i can't even contain it enough to decribe, so i'll throw in bits and pieces.  we stopped at princeton on the way to pick up a friend, grabbed lunch (their hillel is beautiful, and so friendly!), then onward to penn.  philly was fantastic.  no other way to describe it.  Dr. Brill was great, and if i'd had more sleep i would try to explain what i saw during meditation, but as it stands at the moment, i can't get the words out in proper order.

friday night - up til 6 am.  bad idea.  trust me.  back up @ 11 or so, deep talks about death and relationships continuing after death, and then on to lunch, and conversations about sheitels and engagneemnt rings and how tradition is silly (diamonds are ugly, people).

then more talking and singing and Dr. Brill being smart, then talking, and driving to NY.  haha.  and no sleep at all.  but we watched 4 good movies and ate a lot of food.  ok, i'm too tired to make this interesting, so i will finish filling you in tomorrow, kiddies.  lotsa love, lotsa chocltae soy milk, and lotsa fish.  <WOOT!>

for more info on the weekend, refer to deep thoughts by avraham.

also - sorry i'm so spaced, but as we figured out, from weds morning til this afternoon, i slept a total of 13 hours.  ack...

shabbat

G-d loves.  G-d forgives.  the question is, how much can we emulate G-d's behavior, and learn to love and forgive ourselves?

i've been through some very hard things.  and the way i reacted to them was very unhealthy for me.

when i broke shabbat, it made everything feel like nothing.  all the meaning that i understood there to be in live was gone, leaving a blankness, a numbness that enveloped me.  i remember weighing my friday night activities vs keeping shabbat and finding it all to be so meaningless and unconnected to me.  and i wanted to be connectd. i wanted to hurt.  i wanted to feel guilt, somehting big.  but i realized that when i stepped out of shabbat, i stepped out of G-d's world, and i removed and form of a conduit i had with Him, other than the most basic one of feeling the lack of His presence.

so i fought, and i clawed, and i destroyed and rebuilt everything around me.  everything in me that left me feeling unsure.  i'm talking relationships, hashkafot, things i thought about myself...

i searched back through my life, looking for times when i was happy, sane, stable.  i found that my identity could not be separated from the fact that i am a Jew, and i love God, and He loves me.  i started with that simple fact, and then did what we should all do when a relationship needs to be rekindled.  i called Him.  i'm not going to recount for you the exact conversation.  but i will tell you what one of my rebbeim told us once, back before i could appreciate what he was telling me.

the kids who are chozrim bitshuva are kids we should all respect and look up to.  but the kids we should look to in total awe are the kids who never left the derech, the kids who are still tempted by the outside world.  we, as chozrei bitshuva, know that the world outthere is empty.  we have tasted of it, and armed with that knowledge, chosen truth and meaning.  those kids - they choose to stick while still believeing that that world has anything to offer.  we already know better.

i put my life back together, and brought into it a new appreciation for what i could do with my life, with my Jewish and religious self.  every day now i am aware and i am thankful for the opporunity i have to live a religious life, and have and make a beautiful relationship with God.  i will never sway from this, never veer.  because i know what it is to not have God, to not have Shabbat, and to have no reason to live.

26 Jan 1999

shmu, you seem to enjoy my 19 year old self.  well, here's more of my crackheadedness, still culled from old emails:

so, i write to you now from a contaminated school.  OUTBREAK!  nothing to
be scared about.  two girls have mild cases of hepatitis A, and the rest of
us have to get shots and go into quarantine.  okay, i'm kidding about the
quarantine. . .  anyhow, i miss you all, and i want you to know that there
is nothing good to eat when you live in a dorm.  these two statements are
very much connected - if i were at home with you, ima could be making me
food.  okay, i guess you're not appreciating my humor. 

so, we're in the middle of finals.  literally, i'm taking my chumash final
as i type.  j/k, i don't have a chumash final this time.  actually, you'll
be glad to note that i not only studied for my navi final, but i took it
today and there's a strong chance that i passed.  we also had a toras chaim
final (remember ima, the young lady with her head screwed on straight), and
it was cool.  tomorrow we have history, then trei assar, and then a
mandatory speech from the dean of ma'alot in NY.  history shouldn't be too
bad, it's just a ton of material, but trei assar is going to be a
nightmare.  she's a very mdakdek teacher, and she flies in class.  she left
for maternity leave before chanuka, and was back one day before finals,
but missed our class due to traffic.  so we're going in blind, no idea what
to expect, and it's a major pain in the tuchus.   i'm not too happy about
that.  i even got a little stressed out this week.  the joys of academia.
anyhow, how's life with you?  i picked up the pictures from the novicks.
and i noticed how thoughtful you all were in sending letters, pictures,
updated pictures of aliza, and such.  once again, thank you family for
showing me that you care. 

i totally forgot: MAZAL TOV TO EVERYBODY ON RIVKY'S ENGAGEMENT!!!!!!!!!
yes, i know that i'm a total ditz for forgetting, but it's so hard to
remember everything <giggle>  anyhow, why don't you guys all take a break
from the computer, sit, write me a note, short or otherwise (preferably
otherwise), make me feel loved again, and keep your nasty thoughts to
yourself.  bais hillel vs. bais shammai:  kaitzad merakdim lifnai hakalla?
do we tell her the truth that she's an ugly fat witch with horrendous,
atrocious, and ostentatious taste in everything from the drapes down to the
challah, or do we lie like the rugs we are at heart and compliment her fine
makeup job? (better to comment on the makeup job than the nose job,
children)  bais hillel wins out - kinda - and says treat her as she is seen
through the eyes of her chatan, which is hopefully as the most beautiful
woman in the world, or else that marriage is in for a bit of trouble.  my
point in this whole thing?  who said you have to have a point?  okay, this
time i actually do as opposed to usually when i just blab to hear the sound
of my own voice, but considering that i'm not talking, and all i'm really
doing is adding more trauma to my fingertips, i gotta have a point this
time.  so, i do.  remember that in the eyes of someone one day, i will be
the most beautiful woman in the world, AHAHAHAH!!!!!  no, that wasn't my
point.  hmmm.  oh, yeah, this is it:  just write to me, lie a little, and
tell me how much you miss me.  make me feel special and loved, and you will
definitely get a portion in the world to come.  of corse, you'll be going
to hell for lying, but hey, as long as i'm happy!

so, be good, and know that i love you all (yes, akiva, you are
supposed to be reading my email).  i love you.  i say that a heck of a lot,
but i want it ingrained to your scalps, with magic marker and a rusty tin
can "DANI LOVES ME".  have a good one, family of mine, be healthy, wealthy,
warm, and wise, and keep missing me 'til i see you in march/april/i have no
idea when i'm going home. 

write back if you know what's good for you.

pink dancing monkeys

i love my socks.  they're stiped, baby blue and lt. cerulan, with happy pink monkeys on them.  i'm not sure why.  but they match underwear i have.  god bless aeropostale.

i'm coming to NY today(!!!), and i'm meeting with an academic advisor and R' Kanarfogel, and then uptown to hang out and do dinner.  and catching up stuff.  and then potentially no sleep.  which is v happy, as well.  and penn for shabbat with a group of ppl i like and respect (what a cool combination that is).  i'll catch you up on all the news when i get back from my extravagant weekend.  : )

to have kids

anon: but in a nutshell it is: i have always been upset that i am so 'critically engaged'  in all areas of my life except the emotional-romantic.  and in that area, even knowing that marriage is a construct, etc. etc., i've still been seeking traditionality.  and that makes me feel intellectually dishonest.  or at least the potential for intellectual dishonesty, as well as the potential for a bad marriage.  but here is this odd-ass possibility, that means that in this area i would HAVE TO be critically engaged.  at all times.  for fear of fucking up a real live child

anon: i would have to be on the ball, self-examing, understanding what is going on at every second.  that is a dream of child rearing.  and a nightmare of child rearing too, of course.  but it is the possibility of an ideal, and i like that.

brdmstryx: cause you're a romantic idealist somewhere in there

anon: yes

brdmstryx: scary

anon: what is?

brdmstryx: being fully engaged.  the potential of it, and knowledge that no one will acheive it.

anon: see, i think its possible.  well, not the ideal.  but not fucking it up that badly.  actually doing pretty well at it

brdmstryx: ok

anon: but scary, yes.  ok, i need to get a drink.  i'll speak to you soon?

the ecstasy of defeat

the sheer irony of it all.  i, the musically obsessed wunderkind, have been invited to a concert tomorrow night.  i'm going to be in NY, and the concert is not.  and for some reason, they won't simply follow me wherever i go.

dammit.  i really love hemorrhage.  i know how disgusting that sounds to those of you who don't know the song.  sorry.

did i mention that it's $20 to see fuel tomorrow night!  in scranton! ?

top ten uses for a sandwich maker, shana alef

looking through my email, came across this list i wrote up one night:

10. melted cheese sandwich
9.  pizza re-heater
8.  omelet maker
7.  hair defrizzer
6.  peanutbutter and banana sandwiches
5.  door stopper
4.  lump at the foot of sara's bed that we leave to see how long it takes
her to clean her bed
3.  that thing we use to balance out the table in the beit midrash
2.  shoe dryer
1.  to cook every single meal we ingest in this hell hole we call our dorm

i think it was funnier then.

mate a movie

this is one of the best photoshop contests i've ever seen

eugh

turkeys are really ugly.  especially when they're naked.

welcome

to daniel and his new blog here @ blog-city, dew.  that's 4 now.  cool.

gah (4 am)

this was supposed  be an early night.  it seriously was.  farking eddie.  : )  there is nothing as good as talking to a good friend on the phone late at night and catching up on stuffy-stuff.  also known as stoofy-stoof, by only by a special few, mostly living in connecticut.

rena (sichel) rosen had a baby boy!  mazal tov!  he's v cute (i went to see him on sunday), with a major shock of black hair.  yay yay.

i like bamba.  i think it's an israeli kid genetic flaw - eat enough of them as you're teething, and you're hooked for life.  how that's genetic is beyond me, but hey, i can make things up.  it's my blog.

my life for the next few months:

9    10    11     12    13    14   15   penn

16   17     18    19    20    21   22   heights?

23   24     25    26    27    28   29   thanksgiving

30    1      2       3     4      5     6    heights/play

 7     8      9     10    11    12   13    scranton

14   15    16     17    18    19   20   israel

21   22    23     24    25    26   27   israel

28   29    30     31      1     2     3   israel

 4     5      6       7      8     9    10  scranton

11   12    13     14    15    16   17  scranton

18   19    20     21    22    23   24  new york!!!!

i'm too excited about being alive to sleep.

sweetness

fark fark fark

hehe  - for anyone similarly obsessed with not so funny things...

playlist

i just went from the boondock saints armageddon mix into billie holiday, dream a little dream of me (with L armstrong, of course).  fantastic segue.

sleater-kinney perks things up a bit, too.  PotUSA, cleveland rocks.  zwan, settle down.

the heat shut off in my house last night for some reason.  which explains why i woke up so easily after sleeping for 4 hours - it was a matter of survival.  </trogdor>

and now i must to babysit les bebes.

ilan

check this out - it's my friend's blog, and he's damn funny.  i love brilliant cornell ppl who grew up in my house and never sleep.

and really do listen through to the end of the blender man song.  it's worth it.

kristalnacht

my mother is running a program for kristalnacht, and tonight was part one.  we watched Witness: Voices from the Holocaust, introduced by Marc Shapiro and Joshua Greene and my mother, of course.

i have nothing in me right now to comment on this.

declaration of intent

i'm going back to stern.

let the flame wars begin

please don't wake me

i just called home, trying to reach my mother.  i got a busy signal, frowned, realized i'm home...

tehillim list

i'm going to start posting a tehillim list here, in response to a number of requests.  if you have a name, please either email me or post it to the comments, and i'll add it to the list.

it's nice to use my power for good.

inspirational

kudos to chakira, jessiesue, and switchboard for joining the blog-city family. welcome aboard, guys.

breaking the bank

Residence Hall Fee	$5,050	$2,525
Meal Plan	$1,930	$965

$6980 should be plenty to get me decent apt for the year in the heights, right?

evil phone mongers

i just had a frustrating little convo with at&t.  i wanted to scale down my calling plan, cause it's just a bit epensive, and then get the text messaging thing they have (A- i hear you laughing...)

so i asked about downgrading, and the (very nice) guy was like "well, maam, the plan you currently have is expired, and we no longer offer it, so if you want to change plans,  you'll have to switch to our new local plan."

me: well, what's the difference between the two?

him: blablabla, yadda yadda yadda, look at that!  the only difference is that you'll get 250 minutes for $29.99 instead of 600 minutes for $39.99, but you won't have to pay all the extras for free nights and weekends.  look at all the money you'll save!

me: hmm, sounds great.

him: you'll have to sign a new contract.  here's what i have to read to you. <insert boring monotone here>.  plus we now charge $1.75 regulatory fee because--

me: i know about the fee.  one last question before i sign over my pet dragon and her first-born - what time will my free night and weekends start?  because they start at 8 on my current plan.

him: (innocently) oh, gee, i must be really tired, because i forgot to tell you.  they'll start at 9.

me: (quick calculation in head of difference of hour, extra minutes, empty wallet, debt) ok, i'm going to stick with my old plan, thanks.

 

moral of the story?  i have no clue, all i know is i hate this plan, but i don't believe in nights starting @ 9 pm.  that's ridiculous.  stupid at&t.  ever notice how my writing is only good when i'm v awake or v tired, but never in between?

i'm back

it’s been a momentous week, in many ways.  I’m flying, tired, exhilarated.  It’s good to be home though, I’ve missed my family.  : )  so, there’s so much to catch up on!  I’ll go chronologically.

 

Sunday -

i got together with emily and avraham.  We went out, stayed out way too late (I know, it’s a huge shock).  We had a really good time.  : )  it was so amazing to see em finally!  she looks gorgeous, and happy, and …  she’s such a wonderfully amazing person.   * grin *  and she gets free stuff a lot.  hehe

 

Monday - first full day in NY – i hung out with motti and dov and eli and stan and we just kicked back and caught up on life and music and each other, and it was so chill, so good.  those days fill my heart with calm happiness.  monday night i went over to avraham and bryan’s apt and watched boondock for the first time in months.  Fantastic.  I also got to introduce a few people to it, which of course made my day.  Stayed up waaaaaaaaay too late again.

 

Tuesday - i went to brooklyn to see tzippy and gavriel eliezer, who is now 3 weeks old and so cute, he has the smallest little tush ever.  really ever, i checked.  then tuesday night i got to chill with em again, and we went back to hang out with eli and stan, and then off to emily's hotel room.  yay yay!  we listened to Sarah's new CD, and then drifted off to sleep on opposite sides of a king sized feather bed.

 

Wednesday - i bought boots and penny loafers, then played at sephora, and then went to the beauty school and had them blow dry my hair, cause it's fun.  then i dragged avraham out and made him run around talking in the rain til he was ready to fall asleep.

 

Thursday - i went to midtown, then met up with abby and aviva, went to queens, saw noa and b-sh and baruch, then went to see the matrix with about 500 ppl.  after the matrix, we went for ice cream, cause it semed like a good idea at the time.  oops...

 

Friday - spaced out, had lunch with AYB, then hung out til right b4 shabbat.  then i went to shul, and had dinner with arona, esther, statman, and avraham - lotsa fun.  crashed out @ 9, of course.  exhaustion.

 

Shabbat - i had lunch with rachael and adir, and started losing at monopoly, then left to meet jessica.  we went to ruben, and i met up with chin, benjy, and avraham.

 

Motzei Shabbat - went for dinner with meredith, then met avraham, watched death to smoochy (way funny, btw), and hung out til way too late.

 

that's basically my week.  wanna tell me about yours?

: )

i'm having the best time!

no more caffeine, though.  ahhhhhhhh

bye for now

well, i said one last post.  so here it is.  first of all, i'm starting to really enjoy the grateful dead.  i don't know if that means i'm maturing or regressing or just learning.  i also don't care.

i learned a long time ago not to try to cater to other people's expectations of me, because i would always fall short, and ultimately disappoint both of us.  instead, i try to be myself no matter how much it makes me squirm.  i wish i could be more bland, more palatable, more like other people, but i simply do not know what it is to fade into the woodwork.  maybe this is a result of my upbringing, my family history...  i don't know.  i've always been damned proud of where i come from, who i come from, and how i got to be here, one of the results of a fascinating equation.  i taught myself to keep my head high because the alternative was not what i wanted, and i realized that i was the one forcing it upon myself.  part of learning to be comfortable with myself was getting past hating myself.  i tried all different thngs, put myself in various situations that were less than healthy on many levels, if not all of them.  and here i stand today, less confused, more steady.  clear-headed, still not sleeping  (i wonder if that will ever change, or if i'll learn to better adapt my life to the strange hours my body prefers to sleep), proud of who i am and confident of who i can and will be.

i kept waiting for other people to give me a chance, and realized i was begging it from everyone but me.

mull that, or not, as you wish.  i hope you have a wonderful week - i plan on having one myself.

vacation

posting may be spotty this week - coming to NY to see people.  if you want to get together, email me.  i'll try to post something interesting tonight, but in the meantime i have to run and do some stuff.  shavua tov!

btw, anybody interested in going to see rancid on nov 16th?  if yes, email/IM me (link's on the top of the page).