I wrote this yesterday. I apologize if it's nonsensical; I was crying at the time and don't have the energy to properly edit it.
My friend died this week. It came as a shock. That's hard to explain to people who didn't know him; David was 89 when he died. David (or Mr. Harris, as many of us called him) was an enthusiastic person who genuinely loved those lucky enough to be in his life. Our friendship dates back to one Simchat Torah when I was 7, and in response to some smart-aleck remark I'd made, David asked me to marry him. I pointed out that he was already married to Norma. He then proposed being my boyfriend. I considered it for a moment. The final deal we struck was that he would be my "80-year old" boyfriend - I was keeping my options open for a younger one, too. That little romance played out with love, and a kiss (and a l'chaim) every time I saw him, including the last time, over Rosh HaShana at the lake.
David was from the old guard of Scranton. Men like Grampa David (Fink), Poppa (Jerry) Ganz, and David's own brothers Sam and Phil. These were men whose yahadut was their everything. There was no separate life, no set of ethos that differentiated personal from professional. They worked to provide for their families. They davened and learned to provide for themselves. They were completely of the world and completely dati in a way that no other place has ever fully emulated. I can't think of a time or place that Jerry or either of the Davids would have refused to hug me or have me join their table to sing at a kiddush. They were the last stalwarts of a place I was proud to call home, a place that is no more.
David's passing is a blow on a personal level and in a far larger way. Growing up it was understood that a ba'al habayit (aka someone who works), was also someone who learned. The phrase learner/earner would have gotten you laughed out of town. But it wasn't because anyone was trying to prove something or trying to be "yeshivish". It's because that's what a sincere pashut yid does.
I've been blessed to know the people I have, and to still have other examples, like Heshy Plotkin, Dudi Horowitz, Sandy Holland, and my own amazing father. The next generations of Finks, Harrises, and Ganzes are the living legacy of the examples their fathers and grandfathers were, and I'm blessed to count many of them as friends. I am also blessed to see that the pashut yid who learns now includes the women in the families, like my mother, Beila Block, Andrea Harris, Sara Tessler, and many others.
Scranton as we knew it is gone. But we, the lucky ones who witnessed it, will carry that memory and legacy forever.
David, I will forever try to emulate the love, kindness, and caring you displayed to everyone, from old friends to the new faces in shul. You truly were a gadol, and I'm lucky to have called you 'friend'.
With much love,
Dani
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
Erev Shabbat
Somehow the notion of getting 4 pieces written in the next month sounds so overwhelming and so laughably simple all at once.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
The case against George Zimmerman
Initially the media framed Trayvon Martin's death as a race issue. A white-looking man shot a black kid and got away with it. The police didn't take the crime very seriously, the thinking was, because it was a black kid who was dead.
And Zimmerman's family encouraged this kind of thinking, by playing to it with arguments that Zimmerman is Hispanic, not white, and that he's not a racist, as evidenced by his friendship with some people who are black. But something sounds patently false about that, and I think I've figured out why.
Yes, there was most likely racist motivation behind the initial call to 911. But it was a larger paranoia that had Zimmerman calling in supposed threats all those years, and acting as a self-appointed neighborhood watch man. And there is a major difference between being paranoid about black people and actually killing a black person. I don't believe that the shooting itself was racially motivated, although the circumstances arose because of a racially-based suspicion.
This week it came to light that Zimmerman's father is a retired judge along with news of Zimmerman's previous arrest records, and it started to make sense.
The prosecutor who had declined to bring a case against Zimmerman for lack of evidence recused himself from the case on March 22 so there wouldn't be an appearance of conflict. If race was the motivation behind the shooting, what conflict could there be? I suspect that he or someone in his office had a relationship with Zimmerman's father, and possibly even his mother, who also worked in the courts. I suspect that when the call came in and the police found Robert J. Zimmerman's son at the scene, they treated him differently than they would have treated another person in the same situation. I don't think it was about race at all, but about nepotism. It may not even have been conscious for the cops. I'm sure everyone thought they were doing their job the right way. But they weren't. They didn't test Zimmerman for drugs or alcohol. They didn't hold on to the weapon.When they arrived on the scene and saw a dead body, they didn't even wait for a homicide detective to interrogate Zimmerman. They didn't contact Trayvon's parents even though paperwork shows they had an ID for him at about 3 am. And I'd think that if someone pleads self-defense and has injuries to show as evidence, those injuries would be documented with more than words on a paper. Records of specific medical treatment and photographs would suffice.
The lead homicide investigator wanted to go after Zimmerman for manslaughter. The prosecutor didn't feel there was evidence to get a conviction. But they didn't follow all the leads that they should have. Reports have come in from eyewitnesses that the police didn't follow up with them, and last I checked, Trayvon's girlf friend, who claims to have been on the phone with him through the initial verbal confrontation with Zimmerman, hasn't given her testimony to the police either.
The idea that this was not a cover-up is rather scary. If I'm right (and I'd like to be wrong, by the way!), then the issue we have is not that the PD in Sanford was being racist. Zimmerman was treated like a harmless wacko, whose testimony was considered, by the prosecutor at the very least, to be enough to drop the case. It's incredible to think that one person can go shoot another person and then say it was self-defense and get it dropped without a full investigation. I'm not saying that Zimmerman Sr. made some phone calls to help. I really don't believe it was blatant favoritism. But I think that Zimmerman (or his testimony) was considered to be more credible than other people would be in similar circumstances because of existing relationships between his family and people involved in law enforcement.
I would love to see that I'm wrong. I'll be waiting to see the information released byspecial prosecutor Corey.
And Zimmerman's family encouraged this kind of thinking, by playing to it with arguments that Zimmerman is Hispanic, not white, and that he's not a racist, as evidenced by his friendship with some people who are black. But something sounds patently false about that, and I think I've figured out why.
Yes, there was most likely racist motivation behind the initial call to 911. But it was a larger paranoia that had Zimmerman calling in supposed threats all those years, and acting as a self-appointed neighborhood watch man. And there is a major difference between being paranoid about black people and actually killing a black person. I don't believe that the shooting itself was racially motivated, although the circumstances arose because of a racially-based suspicion.
This week it came to light that Zimmerman's father is a retired judge along with news of Zimmerman's previous arrest records, and it started to make sense.
The prosecutor who had declined to bring a case against Zimmerman for lack of evidence recused himself from the case on March 22 so there wouldn't be an appearance of conflict. If race was the motivation behind the shooting, what conflict could there be? I suspect that he or someone in his office had a relationship with Zimmerman's father, and possibly even his mother, who also worked in the courts. I suspect that when the call came in and the police found Robert J. Zimmerman's son at the scene, they treated him differently than they would have treated another person in the same situation. I don't think it was about race at all, but about nepotism. It may not even have been conscious for the cops. I'm sure everyone thought they were doing their job the right way. But they weren't. They didn't test Zimmerman for drugs or alcohol. They didn't hold on to the weapon.When they arrived on the scene and saw a dead body, they didn't even wait for a homicide detective to interrogate Zimmerman. They didn't contact Trayvon's parents even though paperwork shows they had an ID for him at about 3 am. And I'd think that if someone pleads self-defense and has injuries to show as evidence, those injuries would be documented with more than words on a paper. Records of specific medical treatment and photographs would suffice.
The lead homicide investigator wanted to go after Zimmerman for manslaughter. The prosecutor didn't feel there was evidence to get a conviction. But they didn't follow all the leads that they should have. Reports have come in from eyewitnesses that the police didn't follow up with them, and last I checked, Trayvon's girlf friend, who claims to have been on the phone with him through the initial verbal confrontation with Zimmerman, hasn't given her testimony to the police either.
The idea that this was not a cover-up is rather scary. If I'm right (and I'd like to be wrong, by the way!), then the issue we have is not that the PD in Sanford was being racist. Zimmerman was treated like a harmless wacko, whose testimony was considered, by the prosecutor at the very least, to be enough to drop the case. It's incredible to think that one person can go shoot another person and then say it was self-defense and get it dropped without a full investigation. I'm not saying that Zimmerman Sr. made some phone calls to help. I really don't believe it was blatant favoritism. But I think that Zimmerman (or his testimony) was considered to be more credible than other people would be in similar circumstances because of existing relationships between his family and people involved in law enforcement.
I would love to see that I'm wrong. I'll be waiting to see the information released byspecial prosecutor Corey.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
The Tyranny of Superficiality
A belated response to http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/purim-and-the-tyranny-of-beauty-a-plea-to-mothers-of-girls-in-shidduchim/2012/03/19/0/
I agree with one of Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum's initial sentiments. It is demeaning to reduce a person to something less than their whole. But there's an issue highlighted within that same thought – the “girls” (women, in actuality) are not just being reduced to a few sentences on a resume, but they are being presented to the mothers of the men they may end up marrying. My first thought in response to the 'shidduch crisis' is that it would make far more sense to have the dating-age people wade through the resumes or attend events. If their system is one in which the parents must sign off on the prospective partner, then the young men and women can present the people who interest them to their parents for vetting rather than the other way around.
Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum moves on to blame the system while absolving anyone in the system of any wrongdoing. It is not the “boys”, the shadchanim, or the parents who are at fault for the “girls” having a disadvantage in shidduchim. That's just the system. Flailing within the system rather than changing it is what the rest of the article is about, as well as assigning blame to the very group she claims she wants to help.
Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum goes on to describe the setting for the the speed-dating event to be held between prospective mothers- and daughters-in-law. She then notes the conspicuous and glaring lack of makeup on the faces of the young women in attendance. Later on she admits that the girls may have been wearing light or natural-looking makeup, but that she couldn't tell. It was at this point that I went from somewhat nodding along to confused. Presenting one's self in the best light does not need to include makeup, but to write off those who are wearing light makeup as not even trying put it in a different perspective. Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum gives herself away with this:
“Since most of the young women at chasunas seem quite presentable, I couldn’t shake off my sense of disbelief as I looked around now. What were they thinking? How had their mothers allowed them to leave their homes with limp hair and unadorned faces?”
I have, thank God, had the opportunity to go to many weddings and to see even more of them through pictures posted online. When in the wedding party, I have had my face so thoroughly painted as to be almost unrecognizable to myself. I have seen many brides and other young women at the weddings whose faces literally look like someone has painted them rather than tried to accentuate the human face underneath the mask. The overdone makeup and hair I see at many weddings is not only unattractive to my eye, but it is a very far leap from the minimal makeup that someone may choose to put on for the kind of event that the young women were attending. My grandmother warned me when I was young not to wear makeup every day. She said that if you always wear eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick, eventually your natural face will no longer look attractive to you. I suspect that this is what was happening here – Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum's eye has become skewed, and can no longer appreciate pretty eyes without eyeliner, cheekbones without contouring blush, or lips without a sheen.
While I don't ever envision myself in such an event for my own son, I know that the women I would avoid adding to my family are the ones who fulfill what Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum asks, the ones who go overboard. But did you see what her reasoning was for going overboard? She cites the story of Purim. She cites the women who had to prepare for 12 months. But they weren't preparing for a beauty pageant as she says, making it sound so innocent. They were preparing to meet a hedonist who would one by one rape the women until he found one who spoke to his desires. They were turned into unwilling prostitutes, dolled up by the attendants to meet the king's selfish and superficial expectations. Is that the world we should be emulating in establishing Jewish marriages and homes? Is that truly what you took away from the story of Esther, a woman who refused the extra paint and oils that the other women embraced? Botox, weight-loss surgery, hair implants, boob jobs... And what does do to a man to be told that he deserves all of this modification to find a partner who matches his innate wonderfulness?
My husband, along with a long string of men I dated before him, finds me attractive. I do not always wear makeup. I rarely did more with my hair than brush it or put it in a pony-tail. I have a large birthmark on my face, which has led many women to talk to me about getting it removed, because I “would never get anywhere in life looking like that”. Yet it hasn't held me back in any way – I have gone to school, had jobs, found my life partner, functioned as a rebbetzin, and been a friend to many, all with a large red mark on my face. The supposed attractiveness issue I have has only been raised as a concern by some women, and my mother very wisely told me at a very young age that a negative reaction to my birthmark told me everything I needed to know about the person who'd had the reaction.
The story Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum cites about the Satmar rebbe has been challenged by people who were there at the time. But let's be very clear – there is a huge difference between someone who needs dentures and someone who is not wearing eyeliner. And this? This story of a Holocaust survivor with no teeth is what leads Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum to her most ridiculous conclusion! The shidduch system will be fixed by one thing only, she says – cosmetic surgery!
Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum shares that she herself had cosmetic surgery for a nose job so she could get a shidduch. If we're being honest, then I will share – I too have had surgery on my face. That birthmark that some women find so hideous could have become cancerous when I hit puberty. Starting at the age of 8, I traveled with my parents to Philadelphia every 2 to 3 months for laser surgery. I started when the laser was a new technology. That day I sat and asked a variety of questions, then went for a test session. They placed opaque goggles over my eyes and zapped my face 4 times. When they took the goggles off, they were filled with tears. Over the next 4 years as the technology improved, the lasers became higher intensity and they would put me under for the procedure. As soon as I hit puberty and saw that there was no danger, I put an end to the surgeries. I am beautiful. And I know I'm beautiful no matter the mark on my face, the makeup I may choose to wear or leave off, or the frizziness of my hair. I am beautiful when I wake in the morning, and I am beautiful moments after giving birth. My confidence and intelligence are not to be mocked in an article, but respected and emulated by my daughters.
Getting cosmetic procedures done to fulfill someone else's expectations doesn't lead to a good place, nor does the implied promise of marriage upon completion of said surgeries. These women will forever be fixing their bodies in hopes that the supposed 'good boy' they've married doesn't lose interest. A true life-partner will love you and want what's best for you. Someone who expects women to meet the photoshopped standards of larger American culture will likely not handle aging or post-partum bodies very well.
On a final note, there are absolutely a minority of people who could benefit psychologically from cosmetic surgery. But that doesn't happen on the recommendation of an author in a paper, or a shadchan. That happens after a consult with a therapist. You see, in America, 2/3 of cosmetic procedures are done on repeat customers. That points to an underlying body-image problem, an expectation that the body can be molded to some state of perfection. That leads to people like Heidi Montag, or the scene my friend witnessed at the hospital she works in. A woman who had had multiple cosmetic procedures died when she went into cardiac arrest, with her husband at her side. Every invasive surgery carries risks, as does general anesthesia. We accept those risks for necessities, but appealing to the superficial standards of the supposed 'good boys' mothers does not strike me as reason to do so.
I agree with one of Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum's initial sentiments. It is demeaning to reduce a person to something less than their whole. But there's an issue highlighted within that same thought – the “girls” (women, in actuality) are not just being reduced to a few sentences on a resume, but they are being presented to the mothers of the men they may end up marrying. My first thought in response to the 'shidduch crisis' is that it would make far more sense to have the dating-age people wade through the resumes or attend events. If their system is one in which the parents must sign off on the prospective partner, then the young men and women can present the people who interest them to their parents for vetting rather than the other way around.
Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum moves on to blame the system while absolving anyone in the system of any wrongdoing. It is not the “boys”, the shadchanim, or the parents who are at fault for the “girls” having a disadvantage in shidduchim. That's just the system. Flailing within the system rather than changing it is what the rest of the article is about, as well as assigning blame to the very group she claims she wants to help.
Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum goes on to describe the setting for the the speed-dating event to be held between prospective mothers- and daughters-in-law. She then notes the conspicuous and glaring lack of makeup on the faces of the young women in attendance. Later on she admits that the girls may have been wearing light or natural-looking makeup, but that she couldn't tell. It was at this point that I went from somewhat nodding along to confused. Presenting one's self in the best light does not need to include makeup, but to write off those who are wearing light makeup as not even trying put it in a different perspective. Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum gives herself away with this:
“Since most of the young women at chasunas seem quite presentable, I couldn’t shake off my sense of disbelief as I looked around now. What were they thinking? How had their mothers allowed them to leave their homes with limp hair and unadorned faces?”
I have, thank God, had the opportunity to go to many weddings and to see even more of them through pictures posted online. When in the wedding party, I have had my face so thoroughly painted as to be almost unrecognizable to myself. I have seen many brides and other young women at the weddings whose faces literally look like someone has painted them rather than tried to accentuate the human face underneath the mask. The overdone makeup and hair I see at many weddings is not only unattractive to my eye, but it is a very far leap from the minimal makeup that someone may choose to put on for the kind of event that the young women were attending. My grandmother warned me when I was young not to wear makeup every day. She said that if you always wear eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick, eventually your natural face will no longer look attractive to you. I suspect that this is what was happening here – Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum's eye has become skewed, and can no longer appreciate pretty eyes without eyeliner, cheekbones without contouring blush, or lips without a sheen.
While I don't ever envision myself in such an event for my own son, I know that the women I would avoid adding to my family are the ones who fulfill what Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum asks, the ones who go overboard. But did you see what her reasoning was for going overboard? She cites the story of Purim. She cites the women who had to prepare for 12 months. But they weren't preparing for a beauty pageant as she says, making it sound so innocent. They were preparing to meet a hedonist who would one by one rape the women until he found one who spoke to his desires. They were turned into unwilling prostitutes, dolled up by the attendants to meet the king's selfish and superficial expectations. Is that the world we should be emulating in establishing Jewish marriages and homes? Is that truly what you took away from the story of Esther, a woman who refused the extra paint and oils that the other women embraced? Botox, weight-loss surgery, hair implants, boob jobs... And what does do to a man to be told that he deserves all of this modification to find a partner who matches his innate wonderfulness?
My husband, along with a long string of men I dated before him, finds me attractive. I do not always wear makeup. I rarely did more with my hair than brush it or put it in a pony-tail. I have a large birthmark on my face, which has led many women to talk to me about getting it removed, because I “would never get anywhere in life looking like that”. Yet it hasn't held me back in any way – I have gone to school, had jobs, found my life partner, functioned as a rebbetzin, and been a friend to many, all with a large red mark on my face. The supposed attractiveness issue I have has only been raised as a concern by some women, and my mother very wisely told me at a very young age that a negative reaction to my birthmark told me everything I needed to know about the person who'd had the reaction.
The story Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum cites about the Satmar rebbe has been challenged by people who were there at the time. But let's be very clear – there is a huge difference between someone who needs dentures and someone who is not wearing eyeliner. And this? This story of a Holocaust survivor with no teeth is what leads Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum to her most ridiculous conclusion! The shidduch system will be fixed by one thing only, she says – cosmetic surgery!
Ms. Halberstam-Mandelbaum shares that she herself had cosmetic surgery for a nose job so she could get a shidduch. If we're being honest, then I will share – I too have had surgery on my face. That birthmark that some women find so hideous could have become cancerous when I hit puberty. Starting at the age of 8, I traveled with my parents to Philadelphia every 2 to 3 months for laser surgery. I started when the laser was a new technology. That day I sat and asked a variety of questions, then went for a test session. They placed opaque goggles over my eyes and zapped my face 4 times. When they took the goggles off, they were filled with tears. Over the next 4 years as the technology improved, the lasers became higher intensity and they would put me under for the procedure. As soon as I hit puberty and saw that there was no danger, I put an end to the surgeries. I am beautiful. And I know I'm beautiful no matter the mark on my face, the makeup I may choose to wear or leave off, or the frizziness of my hair. I am beautiful when I wake in the morning, and I am beautiful moments after giving birth. My confidence and intelligence are not to be mocked in an article, but respected and emulated by my daughters.
Getting cosmetic procedures done to fulfill someone else's expectations doesn't lead to a good place, nor does the implied promise of marriage upon completion of said surgeries. These women will forever be fixing their bodies in hopes that the supposed 'good boy' they've married doesn't lose interest. A true life-partner will love you and want what's best for you. Someone who expects women to meet the photoshopped standards of larger American culture will likely not handle aging or post-partum bodies very well.
On a final note, there are absolutely a minority of people who could benefit psychologically from cosmetic surgery. But that doesn't happen on the recommendation of an author in a paper, or a shadchan. That happens after a consult with a therapist. You see, in America, 2/3 of cosmetic procedures are done on repeat customers. That points to an underlying body-image problem, an expectation that the body can be molded to some state of perfection. That leads to people like Heidi Montag, or the scene my friend witnessed at the hospital she works in. A woman who had had multiple cosmetic procedures died when she went into cardiac arrest, with her husband at her side. Every invasive surgery carries risks, as does general anesthesia. We accept those risks for necessities, but appealing to the superficial standards of the supposed 'good boys' mothers does not strike me as reason to do so.
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