Mind over Matter

I'm trying to convince my body that I'm not really sick.

As some of you may know, this past Sunday we had a bit of a snowfall. It had been cold out here for a little while before that. I noticed I wasn't feeling well on Shabbat morning. We had dinner at shul the night before, and while I normally have a babysitter walk us to shul on Shabbat morning, she was home because it was Christmas. It was a long morning at home with the kinderlatch, and I was immensely relieved when Avraham took the girls over to neighbors in the afternoon so I could rest. Baby and I woke up shortly before the girls came home, and they were blessedly kind to me and waited for Avs to get home to have dinner.

On Sunday we opted out of going to shacharit and breakfast at shul, which ended up beigna good thing, because I was TIRED. I sat and zoned out until Avraham came from shul. We ended up having a quiet day, watching the snowfall and trying to figure out how much we would end up getting.

Monday morning, I woke up at 3:40 with the baby. After nursing, I felt hot, so I came out to the living room to cool off. Avs got up and cancelled minyan for the morning, and I got back out of bed. I remember coming out a few times for water and a bite of something to eat, but I was pretty sick, and spent most of the day sleeping fitfully. By Tuesday morning I was feeling better, but had started with a cold and a cough. Yesterday the cold and cough both got worse, and I was in a lot of pain.

And today? Today I sound like I've got a pack-a-day habit. Part of me is wondering if I'm veering off that cliff into bronchitis, and the rest of me is convinced that I can power through it on conviction alone (which is how I get through my winter sicknesses most of the time). I'm a little freaking out that it's now Thursday night, I'm not better, and tomorrow night and Shabbat morning are looming large. Alone with 3 kids, sick, and no way of entertaining them other than *me* for hours at a time is not my favorite recipe.

It's Done!

Chikkimunkee is transferred over, mostly intact. Some images got lost along the way, some comments may be missing, but overall it's standing here at a new address. Took a lot of work, and an impressive amount of help from Wordpress (where it was uploaded to in order to bring it here).

So, that's why I haven't blogged much in the last 2 days. Also, I'm sick, verging on bronchitis-feeling at times. I spent 85% of yesterday sound asleep with Avraham delivering Earl for feedings, and the girls plopped in front of the tv most of the day. Today was better. We colored, we danced, we built stuff, and Avs took the girls out into the snow for a bit, after which I plied them with hot chocolate. All in all a successful day.

So, yeah, my head is all spinny from sickness and screen-staring, and I'd lie to fix it, but don't know how. If you have any suggestions, shoot them my way.

Easy A

I just finished watching Easy A with Emma Stone. First of all, I was completely charmed by both the actress and the character. The movie had me thinking a lot - very different things at very different points. The first thing I was thinking was how silly it was to show the gossip spreading so quickly through such varying social groups, but the truth is that in the days of texting, it really does - it's hard to compare to the speed of word-of-mouth. I was also surprised to see such a frank message regarding reputations and sexual behavior. It's easy to believe, sometimes, that all high school kids are horny, and cool with everyone and anyone sleeping around, and it was refreshing to see a different perspective.

I wonder if I had known someone like her in high school, would I have been intimidated by her and believed the worst of her? It's easy to see why I would have, and I don't want to pretend like I was a non-judgmental person who didn't enjoy gossiping back in the day. But the movie goes far beyond that. People turn on her in a way that goes far beyond idle gossip. They hound her torment her. In the story they happen to believe some lies she told, and that's what they're going on. But even if it were true, what they do to her is disgusting. It is not Godly to pick on someone, especially when that person is already down. It is not okay to demand someone give their body, soul, and reputation over to you.

But the thing I keep thinking is that maybe I was Olive at some points. I definitely have seen girls turn on me for things that have nothing to do with them. I definitely have seen boys lauded for exploits that got me shunned, mocked, and ostracized. A vulnerability was exposed that I didn't recover from for years. It was like they made a crack, and I was slowly leaking out of it. I was a weak and shallow version of myself, floating through life, curled in a defensive position to try to shield myself from the kicks people seemed to like to aim my way.

But overwhelmingly, having just watched this movie, I think - thank God I'm here, at this stage of life, with my husband, my kids, my self-confidence, and all of *that* long ago and far behind me. And those complete shits who did and said horrible things to and about me? I wonder if they think about what they did and squirm. I wonder if they look at their children today and pray that their kids never meet anyone remotely like them. I wonder if after all these years, they look back and still feel powerful for ganging up and hurting someone, or if they learned anything at all in all the years since.

In the end, I was lucky. I have some really solid friends who pulled me through when I was so far down that I couldn't think of a life past that point, when I was so depressed that I dreamed of dying and couldn't get out of bed for days at a time. I have a brother who quietly stood by me and never judged, no matter how anything looked. And I pray that I can be that for my children, too, and that they make strong friendships and have people they know they can turn to, because you never know what adolescence is going to throw your way.

About Me (written May 1, 2003, and updated in 2004)

birthday: sept 15

favorite color: anything blue.  or related to blue.  although my favorite is all the colors rioting together.

education: JCC nursery school (yes, this is rather comprehensive), SHDS from K - 8, one year in bais yakov of scranton, then on to one year divided between Chorev, Omani'ut, and an ulpana in Chashmona'im.  3 years in Bruriah to finish rounding out the eclectic high school era.  then Michlelet Esther for shana alef, and Neve Yerushalayim for shana bet.  Onward to stern for 2.5 years til i got sick of it, ran off to City College, realized i would end up totally not frum, and came home.  full circle.

religious affiliation: i'm a Full Spectrum Jew, take that as you may

shoe size: usually a 7.5 or 8, special times an 8.5

favorite movie: i don't have one favorite.  boondock saints, singing in the rain, pi, tomb raider, school of rock, dogma, hi fidelity...  this is the kind of raging thing that can go on for pages.

all time favorite thing to say: "i don't know"

favorite place: Rechov Yafo, as you walk down towards the old city, and you see the trees arching over the walls, and the bright blue sky beaming down, and all you can process is the history that fills you as you take each step, the kedusha.  it's overwhelmingly beautiful.

least favorite place: any place where i have to sit still and be bored for a long time.  I CAN'T DO IT!

favorite thiing to cook: eggs of any sort.  they're fascinating, and you can change them so much.  even the basics of chalavi or bsari.  kickin'

sculpting medium preference: wood.  with big carving tools.  although i saw someone shove one straight through his palm one day.  that was gross.  i'd like the power tools more, but i'm a klutz, and trying not to die.

all time best shiur: tie between the day R' Kelemen propelled himself out of a 3rd story window to show us what death is like and the day R' Brown built a barricade outside rebbetzin's door in the middle of class.  it made sense at the time, til she opened her door and we realized he'd blocked her in.  good times...

skills: i can make eggs.  : )  well, my skills are more what i enjoy than anything, so here goes.  music, cooking, baking, drawing, music, painting, sculpting, walking, music, reading, writing, computers, music, makeup (i'm serious), shoes, shopping, music, logic, chemistry, philosophy, my friends, text messaging certain people, music, walking in the rain, spending time with my niece and nephews, long drives late at night with good music and open roads, hugging teddy bears, singing, playing instruments (i'm no longer proficient, so more fun for me than those around me), bouncing when i'm happy...

good music: tull, zep, MxPx, CSNY, CCR, linda ronstadt, jefferson airplane, tom petty, blondie, dido, beatles, radiohead, ben folds, dispatch, johnny cash, indigo girls, janis, S&G, elton john, trans-siberian orchestra, peter paul and mary, eagles, pink, doors, john denver, SR-71, evanescence, steve miller, jimmy eat world, rolling stones, nirvana, velvet underground, offspring, eminem, me too and the gimme gimmes, metallica, neil young, counting crows, clapton, GD, billy joel, phish, (old) aerosmith, jimi, moxy fruvous, buddy holly, sinatra, melissa ehteridge, billie holiday, sarah mclachlan, beethoven, mozart, beck, the bangles, dylan, sublime, denis leary, ataris, the who, TMBG, weezer, zevon, tori, tony bennet, ABBA, save ferris

cute animals: dolphins.  everything else is far behind.  dogs, kittens, dragons.  i know dragons aren't cute.  but imagine if they were?!

what i would do with a million dollars: i'd pay off all debt, go on vacation for a year, then finish school and bank the rest of my money.  i'd invest it and know i have a nest egg for the rest of my life, and a financial legacy for my kids.  boring, sorry.

my flag: 

time travel: i'd either go forward - like you, aylana - or back to meet abraham lincoln.  i like him, he said smart things in witty ways.  and he was generally a good person, and very honest, and i respect that.

favorite tv show: by far angel.  if you've ever been on this blog before, you should know that.  and i love all the characters on the show.  how can you not?

favorite baseball team: Boston Red Sox

favorite husband: Avraham Bronstein (June 13, 2004 for anyone who missed it).

if you have any other questions, let me know, and maybe i'll post the answers.
(Some of these are in response to questions posted in the comments on the old blog)

Sesame Street Cake

I fixed the eyes : )

Prepping for a birthday

The cake is far from perfect, but I'm super happy with it. Especially because I didn't start the decorating until 12:30 (of the a.m. variety), and was done by 2. The biggest mistake is when I got tired of sitting and stood to do the eyes on Bert and Ernie.

Kermit cookies. Or as the birthday girl says, Kremit.

Ethicality and the Ethical Ethics of Implementing It

I am familiar with the phenomenon of people not fully charging pastors, reverends, and clergy for things. We have good friends here who picked up dinner for us one night (a semi-big deal as the drive to the restaurant would be an hour+ for us) and didn't want to be reimbursed. Avraham and I were very quick to point out that if they refused to take our money, we would no longer be able to ask them for the favor of picking up food for us. Now, this was a favor, between friends, but part of what they were thinking was that Avraham is their rabbi. As such, we were both uncomfortable with having them pay for our food (side note: if you ever really want to help your young rabbi and his wife, take the kids to the library so we can clean up a little!).

Today I went to get the side mirror on the car fixed (yes, I smashed it into a mailbox one morning while driving too quickly and angrily on our winding street). I went to a business owned by someone who is, I will say, a satellite member of the community. He used to be more involved, his daughters went to the Hebrew School, and we met him for the first time at a meal in the sukkah at shul.

He replaced the glass in my mirror, replaced the wipers on my car, and scrubbed my windshield (we've been having a very bad problem with streaks when it's raining lightly). I went to pay, and he said that he couldn't ask the rabbi to pay. I paused, unsure of how to turn down his generosity without sounding like I didn't appreciate it. I said (a little cautiously) "If you don't let me pay you for the repairs, then I can't really come to here again for service." He thought about it for a second, and instead charged me cost for the items, not for labor (I suspect he cut a few dollars off the price as well, having talked to my father and uncle who are 3rd generation in an auto parts business). I accepted and paid.

First, I will never quite get used to be referred to as 'the rabbi' by extension. It's definitely part of my life, and one I'm aware of, but given the way our community works, I'm primarily identified as the mother of my children (when not being identified as just myself) - school, dance class, gymnastics, etc.
Second, did I do the right thing? Am I allowed (halachically, ethically) to not pay him for the labor he (personally) did, at his insistence? I fully understand and appreciate the desire to give to the rabbi and his family, but it feels wrong. It's like when people give us large checks for Chanuka - it means a lot to me to know that we mean a lot to hem, but it also feels wrong to accept it.

Thoughts?

I find myself frustrated

Back a long time ago (over 2 months, for those who may not be familiar with my distorted sense of time), I figured out that I have a gluten intolerance. Shortly thereafter I was informed that #3 is sensitive to milk and I had to cut it out of my diet in all forms. I was also told that going to an allergist would help. So, to an allergist I went. #3 had a reaction to eggs on the scratch test, so I was told no straight eggs for me, and no eggs for him in any form. I was also told not to do a blood test because he's just a baby, and it's a lot of blood.

After about 6 weeks of misery, not eating, and #3 not really gaining much weight, I went to see one of the top allergist groups in NYC on Monday. There they repeated the scratch test, and told me that because the reaction on his arm was smaller than 3mm, it wasn't really an allergy. I was told to resume eating eggs, and that he could eat baked goods with eggs in them.

Fast forward to Tuesday lunch. I gave #3 some chicken to eat along with butternut squash kugel, which had egg whites in it. The kugel was very squishy, and as he fed himself, he was getting coated in it. When he finished eating, I took a wipe to his face, and quickly swiped his chest and abdomen. I worked at his face again, then glanced down and noticed red marks on him. I took the tray off his chair and saw that he had hives across his chest and abdomen. I pulled him out of the seat and started washing him off more thoroughly. I found redness and some hives on his arms as well.

And then.

And then he started sneezing.

So. I called the allergist. I text Avraham. I'm on hold. The baby is sneezing, a lot. Every 30 seconds to a minute, he sneezes a massive sneeze. Then he starts coughing. I'm no hold. I call Avraham and ask him to call the pediatrician, because I'm not freaking out, but I'm freaked out (there's a difference).

Every time he sneezes, I have to wipe his entire face, and I'm scared to put him down or walk away, because what if he starts wheezing? So I'm using my shirt to mop him up, and he's coughing and sneezing on me, and his hives are bright red, and he's totally fine if somewhat annoyed by the sneezing and the lack of a shirt. Because I wasn't about to put a shirt on him - I want to see what the hell is happening to my baby!

The resident on-call finally gets to the phone. It's been 45 minutes since I took him out of the chair, and he's sneezing, coughing, and the hives aren't receding. She speaks to the doctor I met with. She gets back to me and asks if I have Benadryl or an Epi pen. I say, as politely as I can, that having been sent home the day before assured that he has no allergies, I don't own anything of the sort. She asks if he's hacking. I can't tell. She asks if his eyes or lips are swelling. At this point, it's been over an hour since I took him out of the chair, and one of his eyes is reddish and a little swollen, but you know what? He's also kind of upset and sneezing and coughing. She tells me not to give him any items with eggs at all until 9 or 10 months because he has a contact allergy. I think "Yes, duh, why didn't you guys say so yesterday?"

I get info on the dosage of children's Benadryl to give my infant (scary), get some? most? of it down his throat, clean up the mess from him crying hysterically during that process, and notice that his nose and the inside of his ears are red. Not pink. Red. Like the-color-of-McDonald's red. The pediatrician calls back and tells me that they can't do anything, even prescribe an Epi-pen for me, because they're didn't do or see the tests. Great, thank you very much for absolutely nothing, and for not calling back for over an hour.

Avraham comes home. The hives are starting to recede, 1.5 hours after I took him out of the chair, one dose of Benadryl down. He has 2 new hives forming. I'm super agitated. #3 cranks out a bit, goes to sleep, and I am now going to be militant about keeping egg away fro his body.

I love that the allergist said that he can eat eggs, they just can't touch his body. Brilliant!

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Food and Politics in the US

I'm registered for a class this semester in which I'll be learning about a topic I'm passionate about - the politics of food and nutrition in the US. It happens to be a particularly interesting time in that regard, because there is a new law that was just signed called the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act.

I have not yet sat down and read through the whole bill. I know that it generally will setting standards for food in schools, including in the vending machines and limiting bake sales. But I am curious to see which of the egregious errors of the system will still be in place. For instance, are we requiring that the sugar-laced milks be removed from the schools? Are we limiting how often hamburgers or crappy pizza are served? Note - fresh pizza from scratch would be far preferable. Part of the issue is the highly processed foods that have been brought into the schools. the more the foods are processed, the less nutritional content remains. Which is so many of them are fortified...

A huge issue I only recently became aware of is that the nutrition standards in the US are set by the USDA. The role of the USDA is to promote agricultural business. That why instead of saying "limit fats and sugars", or "lessen the amount of meat you eat", guides use fuzzy terms like "choose lean meat" or "eat fats and sugars in moderation".

I am wondering if maybe we would be best served to have a grass roots movement to put nutrition back into the hands of those who actually study it, not those who must answer to the companies who sell food.

Things I Shouldn't Think About Anymore

X number of years in, and I still haven't fully computer that for the rest of my life, I'll be someone's mom. That from here, I only get older. That by the time I can slow down, look around and appreciate what's here, my kids will be grown up, moving out and not around as often as I'd like.

I try to remember all that, so appreciate all the little moments. To soak up their littleness, their preciousness, their babyness before it is gone, never to come back.

And then I think about the fact that I don't remember much of my life when I was that little, and that everything that we know and live and breathe with them will be a distant, foggy, maybe-memory for them one day.

God is Good

Life is sometimes a matter of inches.

We drove to the city today for #3 to see a doctor. I was sitting in the back next to the baby, reading liner notes from Elton John's new album. I suddenly heard a bump, screeching brakes and felt the car move. I looked up and back in a panic only to see that a 5-car pileup had just happened behind and next to us, ending at the car immediately behind us. Somehow, Avraham saw what was happening and jerked away just in time.

The girls could see the accident and had a lot of questions about what had happened. One car had slammed into the car behind us, one car had slammed into the concrete divider, and 2 cars behind it were piled up as well. I just looked at the people in the car with me, the 4 most important people in my world, and breathed complete and utter thanks to HaShem that we weren't car #6.

About 300 feet later, we passed a cop who was taking down info at a fender-bender, and he called in the accident. I was thinking about the night that Avraham got hit, wondering if the people driving by that night felt the way we did today.