just write whatever you feel

i feel sad and empty and alone.  unappreciated and unwanted.  i feel used and old and so very brittle.  i have to wonder why it is that so many people in my life are able to ask so much of me and not return it in any form.  how so many people are comfortable asking me to care and never reciprocating.  don't they see that the more they hurt me the harder it gets for me to open up again?  and that each time the pain gets worse and worse, until one day it'll push me over the edge?  and i'll be deadwood, cold, and unfeeling.  uncaring.  just like them.  who will they have left to turn to then?

i have to wonder if i'm a bad person, or if i've hurt people terribly.  i believe in a karma-esque world, what goes around comes around and all that.  did someone open up to me once, help me, trust me, confide in me, only to have me walk away?  the answer is a resolute yes.  there are three people that i know i have hurt.  maybe this can't end until i track each one down, and fully apologize for it.  maybe even then it will never be over...  i need to hide from the world a bit, bury my head in the sand.  the nice thing with sand is that you can't tell if it's wet from tears or from the ocean.

i'll be fine.  i always am.  amazing resiliency...