duck

now, i don't know about most people, but i do not like to be touched by random strangers.  in fact, i abhor it, and i can't stand it, and the one thing i've noticed above all others when engaged is how random strangers are now allowed to touch me.

there are a few separate and distinct groups, although at times some may overlap (god help us):

The Hand Holders
these people come towards you and make a low grab for your hand while telling you something sweet and sincere.  this is actually not bothersome when done for a few moments, but to be a true hand-holder, you must latch on and keep holding when the conversation has hit its inane point.  for example:  "mazal tov!  i'm so happy for you!  (hand-holding here is good, preferable to other potential forms of contact)" versus "so where are you registered?  do you have an apartment yet? (here hand-holding is not good.  very not good.  kinda creepy, like - did we start dating and nobody told me?  why are you holding my hand in a room full of people?)"
  definitely not the worst, but high level of annoyance as you go from appreciating their lack of further contact to wondering why they haven't let go.

The Multiple Kissers
it's very sweet that someone would be moved to kiss me for my engagement.  but once is enough.  i see your excitement, i get the sentiment, i even got a kiss.  i didn't squirm!  the good news with the multiple kissers is that they usually don't touch your face otherwise.  but you may run into the kind that grab ahold of you with both hands, as if they need to direct where your chin goes, and kiss rather enthusiastically.  this will usually enduce a gritted-teeth response, but remember it could be worse - it could be coupled with the Wet Kiss syndrome.  and speaking of...

The Wet Kissers
there is absolutely no excuse for one adult to give another adult a wet kiss unless they are siblings or close friends and having a gross out contest.  i have always preferred the air kisses or fake kisses some women do - not to save make up, but to keep someone else's mouth from being on my face.  seriously, it takes everything i've got to keep from wiping my face and going "ugh!  that's so gross!"  and on top of it all, you're then forced to stand with a little bit of saliva on your face as you simper and say thank you for the next few minutes.  but none are as offensvie to me as

The Over Enthusiastic Congratulations
"maZAL tov!  i CAN"T beLIEVE it!  this is SO exCIting!"  you'll usually get this very close up, right in the face, actually.  these are the same people who used to go running to you at every simcha and scream "im yirtzeh HaShem by you!" like if they forgot to say it, god forbid, you wouldn't ever get married.  they are way too excited for you to respond to, and they often let slip that they had really lost all hope for you.  you'll find references to your being over-the-hill, or an older girl, and what a laugh riot it is when they figure out that you're 'getting a younger guy'.  yes, yes, it's true!  when you're an older girl, you have to steal a younger guy cause they're still naive and they don't realize that you've lost some market value.  there is absolutely no way to respond to these people, so just nod and smile and back away as soon as you can.

so, who's the worst offender?  there is one last group of people who are so painful to stand near, i can only try to describe the awkwardness.

The Awkward Pausers
you haven't slept in a whle (trust me), and you've been introduced to a ton of people in a very short time, had to strike up conversations, and frankly - you've just been on too long to do it anymore.  then someone walks up.  there's a short introdcution - they have a name, or a title, or a relationship, you are often just the bride or groom.  on special occassions you'll have a name as well.
them: mazal tov.
you: thank you
them: that's a really special guy/girl you got there
you: thanks, i think so too
them: it's very exciting
you: yeah
them: (stand and smile and wait for you to make more conversation)
you: (smile back kinda, shift, and try to look to the side to see if you can get away)
them: (stand and wait more openly because obviously this will give you a great topic of conversation with a total strranger)
you: (smile again, maybe cough, look for a drink or a small child that you can turn your attention towards)
them: (stand and wait as the pleasant smile gets a little less wide)
you: (quick smile and nod again)
them: well, ok, then.  mazal tov.  (walk away)
you: (collapse on floor)