3:30 am

i find that i'm one of those people other people take for granted.

i want to fly under radars forever.  undetected, doing anonymous mitzvot, wreaking anti-havoc on the world.  if you were a superhero, what would you do? 

i wonder if i could be a detective.

thinking of my first (lost) love, listening to evanscence.  it just follows that i'm in sweats in bed online feeling old and lost and happily in solitude for the moment, with my thoughts and ruminations and ideas all spinning in just a way that only i appear to understand, and tonight i am happy to be me.  i am happy with the company i keep.  i will think of you from time to time, and i will smile, and love you a little forever.  

i wish i could be 15 again, and i could do it over, and this time we would take that chance, and we would stay together, and i would still know you.  and you may be the only person i want reading this, and the only one i know who is not.  i hope that wherever you are and whomever you're with, you're happy.  tonight, maybe for the last time, my heart is fully yours.  i see you so clearly before my eyes.  was it like this for you all that time i was gone?  i'm sorry i left you.  i didn't want to.  it almost killed me.  i never told you this.  i wish i had.  maybe it would have been enough.  i wish that when you came for me i had run with it.  that when you came back for me again, i had left it all behind, and run with you.  would you understand if i told you that getting everything i wanted scared me, paralyzed me, made me unable to reach for your hand?

i'm sorry you're missing out on me - you'd enjoy your yaldani.