i feel like i 'm fighting for my pyschological survival. like i'm trying to claw my way out of suffocating black shrouds thaat drop over me as easily as a spider's web. the weight is in my head, it's in my head, and i can't get it out. i curl up, tighten my body into a protective knot. funny how i use the fetal position to ward off my own mother. her shouts, her accusations, her opinionsof me bang in my head, knocking into one another, verbrtaing intothe deepest corners of my life. i walk into work and expect them to be laughing at me, to hate me, to fire me, to SEE ME FOR WHAT I AM in my mother's eyes. i'm terrified that she will be right one day, that she is right. i try to turn her jabs away from me and back into her, to staunch my flow of blood in her once adoring hands.

i slink away, feeling dirty, rejected, a failure. i don't mean to upset you! i don't mean to not hear you! i'm sorry. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i'd say it a thousand times a day ifit would change how you see me. i'm sorry that i'm not who you wnated me to be, i'm sorry that i didn't shut the door afte myself, i'm sorry that you hate my clothes. i'm sorry that i'm fat, im sorry that i'm not married. i'm sorry that i hurt you with my excistance. i'm sorry that i would leave but it would hurt you more. i'm sorry that i don't know how to help you, i'm sorry that i can't fix you and make you happy again. i'm sorry that i can't turn to you right now with a smile and say "that's all right, ima, i know you didn't mean to make me feel bad" and hug you and kiss you and play "pretend it didn't happen" with you. i'm sorry that i can't make it all better. i'm sorry for everything.