macy's yesterday

so we went to macy's yesterday, spent most of our time in The Cellar (possibly my favorite place to browse).  we found the world's coolest knife block - it's built in a case that locks, so your kids can't get the knives out (at least until they're strong enough to unlock it, by which time they'll be old enough to use them safely).

we bought a meat thermometer - let's just say that i've always wanted one, and now i have one (no comment from you, avraham).

avs got a watch (happy almost anniversary!) which he loves and looks great.

and i got this free facial from Yves Saint-Laurent.  This scary fake tanned woman with a very bad smokers voice, who looked about 30, sounded 60, and probably was about 27, approached me and asked me if i'd like to get a free facial from "evesenlorahn".  i had to think a moment before i figured out 1. the faux french accent and 2. the smokers voice distortion.

so i said yes, cause why the hell not?  ok, here's why the hell not.  she led me in to some shitty room that was supposed to look all fancy and spa-like, but you could clearly see that it was thrown together and they never change the towels on the pillow or bed.  great.

she asks me what i have on my face, and i say 'moisturizer'.
her: (faux european accent, shocked) 'nothing else?'
me: 'nope.'
her: 'okay, let me clean that off.'  she takes an alcohol soaked pad and wipes down my face, showing me all the dirt imbedded in the pad.  um, thanks.
her: poking at my skin 'you have very dry skin.'
me: 'yes, that's why i use moisturizer.'  and HELLO! why i never put alcohol on my face?!
her: 'you need a much better one.  which do you use?'
me: 'nivea.'
her: 'oh, you should really switch to our products.  they're much better for you.  this is our exfoliant.'  she picks up a little bottle and shows it to me.  'i use it twice a week.  people always ask me what i use on my skin, because it feels so good.'
i can't stop staring at the flecks of glitter left on her lips.
she squeezes an obscene amount of it on her hands and rubs it on my face, getting it not only on my eyelashes, but in my nose.
her: 'see how it goes from so thick to a liquid on your face?  it's made from sugar.  i use it twice a week in the shower.'
again, i thank her mentally for telling me all about herself.
she rubs and rubs and pokes at my face with her scary long nails, til she decides it's time to remove it with the wipey things again. 
her: 'now feel your face.  feel how smooth it is?'
keep in mind that she can't pronounce half of what she says between her natural accent and trying to sound rich.
i reach up and feel my face, and it feels kind of... gooky.
her: 'now it's time for the mask.'
she takes out a miniscule jar, tells me it's worth $130 because of the special chinese mushrooms in it that grow, get this, in a special place in China!
The mask needs to sit on my face for 15 minutes.  She glances at my shoes, sees their from payless, and amends it to 10.
while we wait, she decides she needs to oil and massage my arms.  she starts abusing me, digging her hands into my bones and ligaments.  there's utter silence in the room.
me: 'how long have you been working here?'
her: 'about 6 months.  before i worked at blah blah blah, but now i work here and i love it, because our products are so great.'
it hits me that her voice is so non-emotional that she sounds like she's reading a poem in 6th grade lit class.
finally, thank god, it's time to take the mask off.  it got so boring that i started trying to get the moisturizer crap off of my arms by wiping it on my shirt to pass the time.
her: 'now we well remove the mask.  look how much dirt and pollution there is.  it literally magnetized it, sucked the dirt out of your face, like a vacuum.'
her: 'do you wear makeup?'
me: 'not every day.
her: 'why not?'
me: ok, i get the fact that she thinks i'm a hideous specimen. 'because i want to feel comfortable in my own skin.  i never want to feel that i need to wear makeup to look normal.'
her: heavy fake laugh 'i wear makeup every day, even when i'm not at work.'
me: still not caring about her.
she moisturizes my face, nasal passage, eyelids, and hair, then instructs me to feel my skin.
my face is so wet that i spend the rest of my day wiping at it.

so next time you're asked if you want a free facial, say NO

she gave me her card and invited me back for a makeover some time.