There once was this one dude who came into this place
To save all the dudes and dudettes who lived there, man.
He was way strong and buff with a really good face,
Knew how to party, and crush lots of beer cans.
The head honcho of the city needed his help
To get rid of this sucky monster who’d invaded.
When he saw the dude he thought he was just a whelp
But the dude said “Yo, man, you’re just jaded.”
He got the people of the city to work together
And fight the good fight against the ugly thing.
He asked the women to dress in metal and leather
And had them each accessorize with a nose ring.
The name of this dude, by the way, was Jason,
the greatest partier known to man.
When drunk he could puke into the slop basin –
His distance and aim helped his secret plan.
The first night he was in town, they had a party
And got wild and happy with plenty of ale.
The people there thought he was a total smarty
The epitome of an almost adult male.
That night, passing out, they heard a scary sound
Which meant the monsters were on their way.
Jason, as always, was rather profound,
And fit right in with that great cliché.
He organized the people to stand and fight
And kept them brave in the creeping dark.
He promised them parties, that wondrous knight,
Full of hyper charged music in the local park.
They stood and held strong in the first attack
Giving as good as they got.
They beat the enemy so far back
That by dawn they had almost forgot.
Dawn came, and with it, Jason’s demands
To build a fortress to protect them.
The locals organized all their hands
And worked to the sounds of Eminem.
The girls, dressed like hotties to Jason’s delight
Made rounds with pitchers of water and ale.
In the sun’s dawning graces they felt no fright
They all had faith that they would prevail.
By night the scene was different, a bit –
The children were gathered in a back room.
Jason and his men would never submit,
They would fight to demolish the dreaded doom.
That night – what a night! They fought against a fire
That threatened to consume all they had.
And just when their prospects were looking dire
They beat the bad guys, and beat them bad.
The enemy retreated as fast as they could,
With a plan to return the next day.
Jason and his men searched for help in the wood,
Stopping for sips of their Perrier.
They found an old woman whose advice was real groovy
She told them of things they had not known.
(If only they had watched the movie)
And now the bad guys’ cover was thrown.
They tiptoed into the pad of the people they hated
So Jason could kill the bad guys’s mom.
I know it sounds harsh, but to rebuild
They needed to avoid their own Vietnam.
Well, Jason, our hero, he killed that old bitch
Even thought he was underwater.
The thing went without a hitch,
If you can say that of bloody slaughter.
So, this pissed off the bad guys in a major way
But it also freaked them out.
They fell into complete disarray
Which isn’t a good thing before a big bout.
That night they returned, and Jason was fearless!
He fought and he clawed his way through the horde,
The whole place was as hot as a furnace.
But he never relinquished his faithful sword.
With a thrust and a “Dude!” a parry and “Sweet!”
He ripped apart the big cheese.
At that point the bad guys were totally beat,
And the rest of the night was a breeze.
Now Jason, you know, is beyond compare.
This battle not even his greatest deed.
But here’s a thought – beware
Cause Jason did all of this high on weed.
It’s hard to say how much of it happened,
Hard to say just what was enhanced.
Hard to find a word that rhymes with happened,
But now this story has advanced.
Jason, our hero, a boy of nineteen
High school drop out from Seattle.
He couldn’t have don it if he was clean –
As it is he won a beatific battle.
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