hallucinations

yesterday i sat and nursed her for 15 minutes, which i know is true because i saw the clock at the beginning and at the end.  i sang the itsy bitsy spider to her because otherwise she wouldn't nurse.  i sang it for 15 mintes over and over, but i only remember two minutes of it, because those were the only minutes i was actually awake.

when i first had gus and was nursing every time she cried, i wasn't really getting much sleep.  so i found that by the time she was a week and ahalf old or so, i was comepltely dillusional.  she would cry, i'd wake up, i'd roll over to nurse her and think "man, those people from the synagogue won't let up.  damn it, i'll give a huge contribution so they'll stop making her cry"

i was in a different realm, and not in a good way.  and now i'm seeing friends and neighbors have their little ones, and i'm in themiddle of a not-sleeping kick myself right now, and i'm remembering how completely unable to function you are after you give birth.

so 2 things.  1 - how the *hell* do poeple do this alone?

and 2 - how do you do it with a toddler in the house?  i'm terrified.  and then one day, you have a biger kid, a toddler, and a newborn.  and you know the two bigger ones can seriously hurt each other (and themselves).  but you're off in la-la-land cause you haven't slept and everything you've got is being consumed (literally) by your children, and if you're an idiot like me, you're still in school when you're dong it?  i'm thinking - space the kids 10 years apart.

but the crazy thing is, while gus is only 6 months old, already i'm looking at eensy newborns and thinking i want another one.  i must be off my rocker - i still look like i'm 3 months pregnant, we live in a 2 bedroom, and i'm a student, and i'm actualy thinking "ooh, let's make this just a little harder!"