the saga of P & D

kidding around with my friend tonight, i said "yes, i'm desperately in love with you, have been since the first.  can't live without you, etc etc"

and i realized that i did feel this way once about someone.

the thought that i will again one day feel that for somebody else terrifies me.  the memories of him alone can drown me.  my every thought connected to him on some level.  i ached for us to end up together forever, which obviously did not happen.  i knew that no matter what happened in my life, no matter who i met and loved, he would always have a corner of my heart that's exclusively his.  and it's true.

of course, at the time i thought we'd stay that close, intimate friends without the intimacy and all...  that i would see him play with my children one day.  i think it's doubtful these days.  god, my heart swells just remembering how i felt once.

i had a vivid dream just a few months ago that i was with him.  of course, in the dream it's never specified if we're just hanging out or a couple, but i guess that's symptomatic of the entire relationship.  i woke up with a shock, with his face burned into my eyes.  i once would have thought that this was a sign saying i shoudl call him, pursue, marry him.  now i know that i simply miss him, and miss having that special kind of friendship with someone.  and, i hate to admit it - but i do wonder if he thinks about me as often as i think of him.

old prose/poem about him.  i'm not saying it's good, i'm not saying it's bad.  it simply is as i wrote it the minute it flashed through my head, unchanged since then (not usually a policy of mine with writing.  i believe in editing).

Reflections

I remember - gazing into glass,
seeing our story flash by on
the screen in my mind's eye...
Played out on a window in
a room - my mind set free
by the drone, and you
flying through my life.
Pictures - blurry collages of moments
when I was with you
and the sun shone through the dark.
A momentary glimpse of my happiness,
A therapeutic shock to my heart.
Private screening of my saga
Where we star for me
As I sit here missing you.
You're everywhere I am.
They see reflections of themselves;
I can't see anything but us.