old souls

there are days when i feel wise, and days when i feel the weight of the world upon me.  days when i despair, and days when i delight.  today i want to be someone who can conquer darkness with love, who can bring good into this world.  i want to learn to genuinely care for every person i have met to some degree, and to truly feel love for all of humanity.  i want to be a calm, centered, hippie-mama, sitting in a grove or a field, daisies circling my head, at peace with myself and therefore the world.

somebody v special to me one told me that my aura was made up of brown, for good healthy soil, streaks of red for passion, purple for glory, yellow for laughter, and sparks of blue that would shoot off of me as i spoke words of truth.  i want that again, i crave it.  i miss israel, i miss being in a yeshiva.  i miss being surrounded by Torah.

i want to be surrounded by sparks of blue truth.

purple rain

is paul dead?

this has disturbed me for years. i don't want to believe it, cause that's to weird...  some of that stuff seems to be a bit stretched, or explainable through outside means, but those pictures, man...  unless they lied about his age and he started when he was 16, it doesn't make sense that he changed so much.

poor paul.  he had a baby girl, btw, although now i'm wondering - is it Faul?

Government spending also helped

according to the bbc, the economy is back on an upswing.

The US economy rocketed ahead in the three months to September, fuelled by a consumer spending spree and the long-awaited return of business investment.

 

this excellent picture is proof of that, of course. 

now i'm just waiting for the economy to affect the job market and people to start hiring students for fun little jobs again, and then i can move back to NY - figure the year 2006 or so?

3:08 am

when the thoughts keep spinning and spinning in your head (or mine, as the case may be) until you feel like someone'se opened a laundromat in your brain...  maybe it's a sign that you (or me) think too much.  if i space out enough in this lovely tired state, i can see them melt down into liquid colors, like molten wax, spin in and back out together, like a tie-dye come to life in my head, frenetic and circular.  v vibrant thoughts in this head.  : )

my teddy bear's name is Cody, and i bought him on the street.  he was one of about 50 on that block being sold, profits going to the missing childrens organization.  Cody's cute.  his face looks like a mix between a monkey, puppy, and teddy bear.  expressive eyebrows.  and a wonderfully happy and particularly british looking scarf wrapped around his neck.  i started a minhag last week of sleeping with him tucked under my arm. 

i'm trying to force my thoughts away from the one that keeps coming up and butting its nose against the glass, silently screaming for me to look at it.  hehe.  i just mentally threw in more soap, and saw suds cover everything.

maybe i should stop talking to boys.  maybe i should stop wearing pants.  maybe i should get my hair straightened.  ...  it's not working, none of it.  where's the benevolence of lack of consciousness?  i want to not think!  i want to sink into heavy darm sleep, let the riotous colors continue their carousing elsewhere.  i want the blackness to envelop me so it feels like i am losing myself into it, as if my bed was a black hole and sleep was consuming me.

my mother was crawling on the carpet earlier tonight.  she and my father may go to prague on their way back from israel after my cousin's bar mitzva.  i said something funny.  they laughed.  i wish i had a video camera with me.

words fail me/i fail words

And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I.

 

i wish i could write like that.  here's what i have to offer, instead, once again from 2 years ago.

i made a huge boo-boo

if you got an email about a teddy bear virus, please read this.

don't delete the file.

i'm an idiot