Finally, my thoughts

Last week I'd never heard the name Leib Tropper. Being married to a Rabbi, and living where we do, we do sometimes have geirut issues arise. So I was very much aware of the issues as they arose. First the Beit Din in Israel was trying to say who exactly could perform conversions *outside* of Israel - not enough to be an RCA Rabbi, but you'd have to be on a special list. Then there was the business of refusing to acknowledge certain conversions which were already completed, bith in Israel and in the US.

And sadly, the group causing this hooplah, pain, and tension, was all Hareidi.

Some people in the Hareidi world wanted to control all geirut - not just in Israel, but worldwide. The vehicle they chose to do this was EJF, run by Leib Tropper.

I think we have all heard by now about the various abuses and scandals perpetrated by this man, so I feel no need to go into it. But having read what I have, it's clear to me that:

1. Geirut cannot be controlled by a small group of people in Israel

2. Geirut in Israel must be controlled primarily by the Cheif Rabbis. They need to man up and fire the Rabbis who said that conversions done through their own system are not Kosher. Anyone who denies the ability of the courts can not work in the courts.

3. EJF must be disbanded. A new Hareidi conversion group can open, but it needs to step into the modern world and have checks and balances, with openness and a way for people to be heard if they are worried about something.  In addition, there needs to be some sort of PR campaign to let people know that there are other ways of doing geirut than through ultra-Orthodox Rabbis, who may encourage a life-style that doesn't fit for everyone (ref: the sad story of a woman told she's no longer Jewish because she wore pants and didn't consistently cover her hair).

4. Finally, and most importantly, the 'Gedolim' in the Hareidi world need to openly address what has happened. Condemn it, explain why it is wrong, why it is abuse, and why above all abuse will not be tolerated. If you need a model for a Rabbi who stood up and said "I made a mistake and I will dedicate my life to making sure those mistakes don't happen again on my watch", please consult with Rabbi Yosef Blau.

4a. Please stop the hateful talking about other Jews. We are all Jews, which is the most important thing - more important than how we learn, what we wear, or what shul we daven in. If you don't know why this is important, I urge you to remember that Sinat Chinam is what destroyed us. If you don't like how someone lives their life, judge the action and not the person. I learned this in 3rd grade, and I've tried to hold to it my whole life.

I'm not going to ask for anything ridiculous like you telling ppl to get jobs or education - I won't judge your way of life. But I also will not financially support it, and I hope that one major thing to come of all this is that everyone reconsiders where their money is going and what is being accomplished with it. I will not reconsider my decision until I know that as a community you speak out against abuse, and follow up any whiff of it to make sure people aren't being victimized.

And - that is all.

I missed this

This essay will appear in next week’s Jewish Press. Generally, as per my arrangement with The Jewish Press, I do not post columns until the issue is on the newsstand. However, due to the nature and timeliness of this subject, The Jewish Press is permitting its release prior to publication as a public service.

Abuse Survivors; Please Do Not Suffer Alone

By: Dr. Benzion Twerski and Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

In recent days, reports have circulated in the media and on the Internet about the tragic early passing of yet another young man in our community. Those reports indicate that the trauma of childhood abuse followed him and complicated his adult life to the point that it impinged on the quality of his personal relationships.

It is not the intent of these lines to substantiate these reports nor is it to dismiss them. Rather, we wish to use the opportunity presented by this horrible calamity and the dialogue it has created on the internet and in the street to once again loudly and forcefully reiterate the message we have been projecting for many years to victims of abuse – “Please reach out for help and do not suffer alone.”

For even in the event that the facts as reported in this particular tragedy are not accurate, they are most certainly consistent with the pattern we have unfortunately seen over and over again, where victims of childhood abuse go through unspeakable agony as they attempt to singlehandedly deal with the toxic aftereffects of the trauma they suffered in their formative years. We have each encountered numerous instances where untreated childhood abuse follows victims into adulthood, shredding their marriages and rendering them often incapable of entering into a loving and intimate relationship with their spouses until a trained mental health professional helps them sort things out. We have each been involved with more than a few childhood abuse victims who became addicted to heroin and/or cocaine, in an unsuccessful attempt to wash away the searing pain of their trauma. We have each paid more than a few shiva calls to families of abuse victims, who years and even decades later took their own lives.

There are a number of reasons why abuse victims would not avail themselves of intervention and assistance. Some are understandably reluctant or frightened to share the facts of their abuse with others. Others, who did have the courage to confide in adults in their lives were encouraged or intimidated into remaining silent – especially if the perpetrator is a respected individual or a close family member. This sends a horrible message to the victim – that he or she has done something that cannot see the light of day. The result is a that a never-ending video loop now plays in the mind of the victim, as societal pressure abuses them again and again, by forcing them to remain silent and unsupported.

There are many events that simultaneously involve more than one “system.” For example, when one gets arrested for driving under the influence which caused injuries or death, there are criminal penalties for drunk driving and financial reparations due for the damages caused. However, neither of these tracks deals with the fact that the perpetrator has a drinking problem. Courts realize they cannot treat alcoholism, as revoking licenses, impounding cars, and even jail terms will not prevent recidivism – especially if treatment is warranted but not followed.

Various efforts have been undertaken in recent years – all of which are necessary – in the arenas of prevention, education, training, and the need for reporting. And we both have proudly participated in many of them. However, despite the fact that these initiatives and the awareness they generate are often soothing to past abuse victims, none of these help them regain their footing. Only therapy by a licensed and trained professional can accomplish that.

We are therefore reaching out to anyone who was ever abused or molested in their childhood years and begging you to please do yourself the ultimate favor and get help.

Therapy may not solve all issues in your life, but it will do much to make your future brighter and filled with greater promise. In fact, many survivors thrive and build beautiful lives for themselves and their families following successful treatment.

It may be true that some people are resilient and survive with little apparent damage (apparent is the operative word). However, this is not the norm, and with the dangers involved, we would not recommend that you even risk this small chance. So; for your sake, and for the sake of your spouse and children, please, please get help.

This may mean several things:

1. Contact a mental health professional who is experienced in counseling trauma victims. (I strongly feel that well-intentioned individuals like me, who do not have professional training in abuse treatment, are not equipped to deal with these issues and should limit our involvement to supporting the efforts of the professionals, and steering those who seek our guidance in these matters directly to them. Y.H.)

1. Get information about trauma and its effects.

1. Connect with other victims/survivors. The camaraderie and support are invaluable.

We strongly suggest that you ignore those who inform you, that getting married and starting a family will help you, “Get over it.” Experience has taught us that it will often complicate things rather than heal them.

Please, please do not suffer alone. Reach out for help today.

In closing, we offer you our sincere and heartfelt bracha that Hashem grant you menuchas hanefesh and simchas hachayim (tranquility and joy) in your lives.

© 2009 Dr. Benzion Twerski and Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, all rights reserved

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is a regular columnist in The Jewish Press. Dr. Benzion Twerski is a renowned and much sought-after mental health professional who holds a Ph.D. in psychology from University of Pittsburgh. Dr. Twerski has been one of the leading voices in our community on the issue of child abuse for more than a decade. He lives and practices in Brooklyn, N.Y. and can be reached at btwerski@gmail.com

One of my favorite songs

I'm So Glad - The Persuasions 

I'm so glad I gotta head,
I gotta head,
I gotta head,
I'm so glad I gotta head,
I can lay on my piilow when I'm lying in bed.
Lying in bed,
lying in bed,
I can lay on my piilow when I'm lying in bed.

I'm so glad I got hair,
I got hair,
I got hair,
I'm so glad I got hair,
It feels mighty funny with nothing up there.
Nothing up there,
nothing up there,
It feels mighty funny with nothing up there.

I'm so glad I got eyes,
I got eyes,
I got eyes,
I'm so glad I got eyes,
When I get sad I can always cry.
Always cry,
always cry,
When I get sad I can always cry.

I'm so glad I gotta nose,
I gotta nose,
I gotta nose,
I'm so glad I gotta nose,
Even though it looks like one of my toes.
One of my toes,
one of my toes,
Even though it looks like one of my toes.

I'm so glad I got teeth,
I got teeth,
I got teeth,
I'm so glad I got teeth,
`Cause there's so many good things to eat.
Things to eat,
things to eat,
`Cause there's so many good things to eat.

I'm so glad I got arms,
I got arms,
I got arms,
I'm so glad I got arms,
That's what keeps my hands on.
Hands on,
hands on,
That's what keeps my hands on.

I'm so glad I got feet,
I got feet,
I got feet,
I'm so glad I got feet,
I can walk and jump and skip down the street.
Skip down the street,
skip down the street,
I can walk and jump and skip down the street.

I'm so glad I got skin,
I got skin,
I got skin,
I'm so glad I got skin,
That's what keeps my insides in.
Insides in,
insides in,
That's what keeps my insides in.

I'm so glad I gotta face,
I gotta face,
I gotta face,
I'm so glad I gotta face,
`Cause I'm a member of the human race.
Human race,
human race,
`Cause I'm a member of the human race.
Human race,
human race,
`Cause I'm a member of the human race.
Human race,
human race,
`Cause I'm a member of the human race.

Or maybe

all I needed was some strawberries and a piece of string cheese.  Mmm, salty...

The Buzzing in my Head

There is so much that I want to be working on right now.  All these ideas and plans and nothing to do with them as we head into a Holiday weekend.

So, with all the pent-up energy, I should probably finish cleaning the house and prepping for the onslaught of the bronsteins this Shabbat. But instead I'm going to sit here and dream big, and leave the stress-prepping for tomorrow. I know, I'm terrible. But my nails are painted red, and my kids are in bed, and I feel like dreaming!

Ah, plans plans plans plans plans. When the Bronsteins leave WHB, we will hopefully have had quite an impact on our community. It'd be nice to leave a little legacy.

Wow, I'm completely ADD in here today. Jumpy from all the not-doing...

Things that make me go AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

It seems that a number of modern poskim think that women shouldl daven simply for the sake of fulfilling the mitzva, and ignore any kavvanah or extra ahavat Hashem that may be gleaned. Why do I say that? Allow me to quote Rabbi Bleich:

Many participants in women's minyanim speak and write movingly of the religious experience such participation brings them. Presumably, some may argue that the religious experience in which they share is sufficient reason to sacrifice the incontrovertible advantages of tefillah be-zibbur. That position is predicated upon a fundamental error - if not an error of Halakha, then an error of hashkafa or religious perspective.
Let these comments not be understood as denigrating the value of religious experience. Kavanah (devotion) is certainy a form of religious experience and its value cannot be extolled too greatly. But Judaism recognizes a hierarchy of values and kavanah, deveikut, religious experience or "attachment," desirable and laudable as it may be, should never be permitted to supplant other values. The fulfillment of a mizvah in an optimal manner , albeit without extraordinary kavanah, is to be favored over less optimal fulfillment accompanied by fervent religious experience.
R. Chaim of Volozhin, Nefesh ha-Hayyim, sha'ar I, chapter 22, makes this point most eloquently. One who eats mazah on Pesah, or lifts the four species on Sukkot  but experiences absolutely nothing that can be described as uplifting or spiritually edifying has nonetheless fulfilled a Divine command; his act has cosmic ramifications and he will receive great reward. ...

If your davening is missing something, something that would be remedied by gathering with other women every so often to daven as a group, do it.  Otherwise, if it's missing something and you can't do the very thing that allows you to connect, why will you keep davening? If you are here to be an automaton who simply fulfills everything perfectly and never acheives connection to God, what is the point of it all? And why, other then because you're a masochist, would you stay in that system?

I think sometimes that men have *so much* access that they can't quite imagine the lack of access there is for so many of the women. We who share so much have very different experiences from the second we step foot into shul.  Maybe men should have to spend one month a year not allowed to do anything women aren't supposed to do, just to get a sense of what it's like across the mehiza.

Being Adults

The kids are in bed entertaining each other for their afternoon 'nap', and Avraham and I just ran to the freezer, pulled out some ice cream (which we promptly ate) and some franks in blankets, which we popped in to the oven. Healthy living, you know? Or at the very least, happy living.