title

for the last time, blog-city's new system sucks.  gr.

A Lyric, by Dani Weiss (written long ago)

There once was this one dude who came into this place

To save all the dudes and dudettes who lived there, man.

He was way strong and buff with a really good face,

Knew how to party, and crush lots of beer cans. 

The head honcho of the city needed his help

To get rid of this sucky monster who’d invaded.

When he saw the dude he thought he was just a whelp

But the dude said “Yo, man, you’re just jaded.” 

He got the people of the city to work together

And fight the good fight against the ugly thing.

He asked the women to dress in metal and leather

And had them each accessorize with a nose ring. 

The name of this dude, by the way, was Jason,

the greatest partier known to man.

When drunk he could puke into the slop basin –

His distance and aim helped his secret plan. 

The first night he was in town, they had a party

And got wild and happy with plenty of ale.

The people there thought he was a total smarty

The epitome of an almost adult male. 

That night, passing out, they heard a scary sound

Which meant the monsters were on their way.

Jason, as always, was rather profound,

And fit right in with that great cliché. 

He organized the people to stand and fight

And kept them brave in the creeping dark.

He promised them parties, that wondrous knight,

Full of hyper charged music in the local park. 

They stood and held strong in the first attack

Giving as good as they got.

They beat the enemy so far back

That by dawn they had almost forgot. 

Dawn came, and with it, Jason’s demands

To build a fortress to protect them.

The locals organized all their hands

And worked to the sounds of Eminem. 

 

 

The girls, dressed like hotties to Jason’s delight

Made rounds with pitchers of water and ale.

In the sun’s dawning graces they felt no fright

They all had faith that they would prevail. 

By night the scene was different, a bit –

The children were gathered in a back room.

Jason and his men would never submit,

They would fight to demolish the dreaded doom. 

That night – what a night! They fought against a fire

That threatened to consume all they had.

And just when their prospects were looking dire

They beat the bad guys, and beat them bad. 

The enemy retreated as fast as they could,

With a plan to return the next day.

Jason and his men searched for help in the wood,

Stopping for sips of their Perrier. 

They found an old woman whose advice was real groovy

She told them of things they had not known.

(If only they had watched the movie)

And now the bad guys’ cover was thrown. 

They tiptoed into the pad of the people they hated

So Jason could kill the bad guys’s mom.

I know it sounds harsh, but to rebuild

They needed to avoid their own Vietnam. 

Well, Jason, our hero, he killed that old bitch

Even thought he was underwater.

The thing went without a hitch,

If you can say that of bloody slaughter. 

So, this pissed off the bad guys in a major way

But it also freaked them out.

They fell into complete disarray

Which isn’t a good thing before a big bout. 

That night they returned, and Jason was fearless!

He fought and he clawed his way through the horde,

The whole place was as hot as a furnace.

But he never relinquished his faithful sword. 

With a thrust and a “Dude!” a parry and “Sweet!”

He ripped apart the big cheese.

At that point the bad guys were totally beat,

And the rest of the night was a breeze. 

Now Jason, you know, is beyond compare.

This battle not even his greatest deed.

But here’s a thought – beware

Cause Jason did all of this high on weed. 

It’s hard to say how much of it happened,

Hard to say just what was enhanced.

Hard to find a word that rhymes with happened,

But now this story has advanced. 

Jason, our hero, a boy of nineteen

High school drop out from Seattle.

He couldn’t have don it if he was clean –

As it is he won a beatific battle.

macy's yesterday

so we went to macy's yesterday, spent most of our time in The Cellar (possibly my favorite place to browse).  we found the world's coolest knife block - it's built in a case that locks, so your kids can't get the knives out (at least until they're strong enough to unlock it, by which time they'll be old enough to use them safely).

we bought a meat thermometer - let's just say that i've always wanted one, and now i have one (no comment from you, avraham).

avs got a watch (happy almost anniversary!) which he loves and looks great.

and i got this free facial from Yves Saint-Laurent.  This scary fake tanned woman with a very bad smokers voice, who looked about 30, sounded 60, and probably was about 27, approached me and asked me if i'd like to get a free facial from "evesenlorahn".  i had to think a moment before i figured out 1. the faux french accent and 2. the smokers voice distortion.

so i said yes, cause why the hell not?  ok, here's why the hell not.  she led me in to some shitty room that was supposed to look all fancy and spa-like, but you could clearly see that it was thrown together and they never change the towels on the pillow or bed.  great.

she asks me what i have on my face, and i say 'moisturizer'.
her: (faux european accent, shocked) 'nothing else?'
me: 'nope.'
her: 'okay, let me clean that off.'  she takes an alcohol soaked pad and wipes down my face, showing me all the dirt imbedded in the pad.  um, thanks.
her: poking at my skin 'you have very dry skin.'
me: 'yes, that's why i use moisturizer.'  and HELLO! why i never put alcohol on my face?!
her: 'you need a much better one.  which do you use?'
me: 'nivea.'
her: 'oh, you should really switch to our products.  they're much better for you.  this is our exfoliant.'  she picks up a little bottle and shows it to me.  'i use it twice a week.  people always ask me what i use on my skin, because it feels so good.'
i can't stop staring at the flecks of glitter left on her lips.
she squeezes an obscene amount of it on her hands and rubs it on my face, getting it not only on my eyelashes, but in my nose.
her: 'see how it goes from so thick to a liquid on your face?  it's made from sugar.  i use it twice a week in the shower.'
again, i thank her mentally for telling me all about herself.
she rubs and rubs and pokes at my face with her scary long nails, til she decides it's time to remove it with the wipey things again. 
her: 'now feel your face.  feel how smooth it is?'
keep in mind that she can't pronounce half of what she says between her natural accent and trying to sound rich.
i reach up and feel my face, and it feels kind of... gooky.
her: 'now it's time for the mask.'
she takes out a miniscule jar, tells me it's worth $130 because of the special chinese mushrooms in it that grow, get this, in a special place in China!
The mask needs to sit on my face for 15 minutes.  She glances at my shoes, sees their from payless, and amends it to 10.
while we wait, she decides she needs to oil and massage my arms.  she starts abusing me, digging her hands into my bones and ligaments.  there's utter silence in the room.
me: 'how long have you been working here?'
her: 'about 6 months.  before i worked at blah blah blah, but now i work here and i love it, because our products are so great.'
it hits me that her voice is so non-emotional that she sounds like she's reading a poem in 6th grade lit class.
finally, thank god, it's time to take the mask off.  it got so boring that i started trying to get the moisturizer crap off of my arms by wiping it on my shirt to pass the time.
her: 'now we well remove the mask.  look how much dirt and pollution there is.  it literally magnetized it, sucked the dirt out of your face, like a vacuum.'
her: 'do you wear makeup?'
me: 'not every day.
her: 'why not?'
me: ok, i get the fact that she thinks i'm a hideous specimen. 'because i want to feel comfortable in my own skin.  i never want to feel that i need to wear makeup to look normal.'
her: heavy fake laugh 'i wear makeup every day, even when i'm not at work.'
me: still not caring about her.
she moisturizes my face, nasal passage, eyelids, and hair, then instructs me to feel my skin.
my face is so wet that i spend the rest of my day wiping at it.

so next time you're asked if you want a free facial, say NO

she gave me her card and invited me back for a makeover some time.

iska says:

iska: pls daven (pray) for aleksander ben rivkah, my good friends father who had a heart attack. thank you
iska: (hes out of ICU thank G-d)

America's Best and Worst Cities for Crime

here are the top 10 safest Large Metro Areas in the US in 2002 (couldn't find a more recent list):

Nassau-Suffolk, NY
Middlesex-Somerset-Hunterdon, NJ
Ventura, CA
Monmouth-Ocean, NJ
Bergen-Passaic, NJ
Scranton-Wilkes-Barre-Hazleton, PA
Harrisburg-Lebanon-Carlisle, PA
San Jose, CA
Pittsburgh, PA
Orange County, CA

so there are basically 3 states that are safe to live in.  and SCRANTON CAME IN NUMBER 6!  woohoo!!!!

boogie woogie woogie woogie

so family guy is back and great, of course.  the real surprise is that american dad is getting to be good in its own right.  yay to good sunday nights.

pretty

http://www.wallusa.com/set5/24167.jpg